This Just In: You're On Your Own For a Week!

Dear Loyal Readers, Occasional Readers, First-Time Readers, Last-Time Readers Who Are Totally Over This Blog But Are Checking In One Final Time In Order to Leave a Nasty Comment, and Random Internet Browsers Looking for Images of Naked People on Recumbents:

Owing to an urgent and unforeseen family matter I will be unable to update the BikeSnobNYC blog this week.  (ShedSnobNYC updates, however, will remain unaffected.)  I apologize for the inconvenience, especially on the heels of my book tour, but I assure you that despite my flippant tone it's an unhappy circumstance and the absence is very necessary.  I also assure you that I made every effort to engage the services of a substitute blogger for the duration of my absence, but I'm sorry to report that Cormac McCarthy refused, and as far as I'm concerned it's him or nobody.

What a dick.

In any case, I will return to my posting post on Monday, April 30th.  I will also be appearing (which sounds disconcertingly spectral) this coming Saturday, April 28th, at The New Amsterdam Bike Show in New York City:

Sure, New York City's something of a cultural backwater as far as cycling is concerned, but it happens to be my home so I figured what the heck.  Evidently I'll be speaking in the "Bikelandia" area at 4:00pm, after which I'll be at the Brooks booth where I'll happily ruin your copy of my book (or anything else you stick in front of me, including cherished pets) with my signature.

In the meantime, rest assured I look forward to my return, at which point I will address numerous pressing matters, including but not limited to:

--Giving away some Knog Blinders;
--Sharing photos from my west coast BRA;
--Other stuff;
--More other stuff.

And remember, if you're looking for someone to blame for all this, I suggest you start with that selfish prick Cormac McCarthy.

Thanks for understanding, ride safe, and I look forward to seeing you on Monday, April 30th.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Obscure Bike Blogger Feels Yucky and Stuff

Brooklyn, USA, January 30th, 2012 -- On the eve of the return to his widely read bicycle cycling blog after a week-long hiatus, the blogger BikeSnobNYC (also known as "Wildcat Rock Machine") fell victim to the stomach flu.

The blogger acquired the illness from his young son, most likely while engaged in the questionable practice of handling vomit while not wearing a helment, and spent much of yesterday evening regurgitating Tibetan food.

"I feel like I just finished a Single Speed World Championship," said the bedridden blogger, "apart from the fact that I'm currently wearing pants."

"Scranus," he then added before rolling over and groaning.

In addition to curating, cultivating, manhandling, and otherwise molesting the BikeSnobNYC blog, BikeSnobNYC is also the author of the book "Bike Snob," the forthcoming book "The Enlightened Cyclist," and also, under the pseudonym Wiley McRothstein, the popular instructional manual "How to Pick up Women at Hospitals and Funerals," now in its 216th printing and the winner of the 1987 Pulitzer Prize for general nonfiction.

BikeSnobNYC hopes to be able to return to his blog in earnest as soon as possible, and has already consumed an entire English muffin (top half and bottom half) with success.

Pending his return, BikeSnobNYC would like to share two (2) humorous videos. The first one is a trailer for an upcoming movie called "Peloton," which comes via Cycling Inquisition and which you may also have seen on the All Hail the Black Market webbing site:

Don't bother trying to fast-forward to the part where they finally start "doing it," because amazingly it isn't there.

The other is this hilarious video called "Shit Mussolini Says:"

Wow, the whole "Shit [Blanks] Say" thing never gets old.

With that, I return unto my private misery, but with any luck I hope to be back tomorrow in finer fettle. In the meantime, in lieu of flowers, please send any well-wishings in the form of a donation to your local Dachshund rescue society. Because all wiener dogs should have a loving home--and a bun.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

This Just In: Umlaut Hö!

(The exact speed at which a Fred goes, "Wooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!," by "Anonymous Coward")

This morning started out like any other. I woke up in the bathtub, took off my scuba flippers, puttered into the kitchen, and poured myself a Bartles & Jaymes. Then, I casually checked my Just Dachshunds 2011 wall calendar on which my helper monkey, Vito, notes my appointments, where I noticed the following:

"Holy crap!," I exclaimed, spraying mojito-flavored wine cooler everywhere. Not only was my wiener dog Anthony due for an oil change at the end of the month, but I also had to leave for Gothenburg, Sweden--today! This is because I'll be speaking at the Göteborgs cykelfestival this coming Saturday and it will take me at least two days to ride there from Brooklyn:

Ordinarily it would only take me a day at most, but I'll be making the trip on a fixed-gear for additional street cred. On top of that, it will also take another two days for me to ride my fixie back from Gothenburg to Brooklyn, which means that I will not be posting tomorrow or Monday but will be back on Tuesday, June 14th with regular updates.

Vito will be staying behind and offered to post in my absence, but frankly he's a way better blogger than me and is liable to usurp this entire operation.

In any case, it occurs to me now that I've accepted an invitation from a person I've never met to visit a country to which I've never been in order to go to a festival that is a complete mystery to me since all the promotional materials are in Swedish. Nevertheless, I'm placing my full faith in the "bike culture" and hoping I won't be bound with duct tape, stuffed into the trunk of a Volvo, and dumped into a fjord somewhere. I've also done my due diligence by researching the Gothenburg bike scene and even watching some of their local fixed-gear freestyling "edits:"

Wow, these guys are on a whole other level. I particularly enjoyed the flawless angst-to-barspin, as well as the moment when the protagonist is attacked by a failed Aerospoke representing his own mortality:

I'm also practicing how to pronounce "Göteborg," but I'm not having much luck. Not only does the actual pronunciation have like eight more syllables than there are in the written name, but I don't even hear any of the same letters. In fact, I'm pretty sure he said "Yurts are boring"--which they are, but which doesn't change the fact that I'm, like, totally screwed.

Speaking of being screwed, many riders were screwed in The Great New York City Bicycle Crackdown of 2011 in that they received tickets for things that were not actually illegal. By now I'm sure nearly everybody on the planet Erf has seen the excellent Casey Neistat video, but it warrants inclusion here nonetheless:

I enjoyed this tremendously, but the only thing more frustrating than police ticketing cyclists for not riding in a bike lane is that some people are actually giving the filmmaker a hard time for not wearing a helmet. Apparently here in Canada's custom insole cycle-smugness yields to nothing, not even satire.

Meanwhile, illegitimate ticketing is not limited to New York City, for a reader tells me that a child-portager in London was recently ticketed for hauling a double-payload of human smugness:

Obviously she needs to satirize the incident by making a video of herself plowing into traffic cones and construction sites with both children on the bike. It will become a viral sensation, though the could lose custody of her kids.

Actually, I'm tempted to somehow work in a visit to London while I'm over in the Old World, since another reader tells me you can buy a £1million house full of bike crap:

If Scotland Yard is still hunting that mass murderer who's been preying on tweed ride participants, I think they may want to have a word or two with the seller, a certain "Mr. Wilsdon:"

I wonder if he also eats the tweed.

And with that, I'm stuffing my messenger bag full of clean underpants, straddling my fixie, and hitting the road to Gothenburg. I look forward to returning to this blog on Tuesday, but until then I remain,

Truly yours,

--BSNYC/RTMS

This Just In: An Annoying "Out of Office" Auto-Reply!

(Hitting the rode.)

Of all the fears I harbor (and there are many), three of them loom greater and more forbiddingly than all the rest, and they are (in ascending order of menace):

3) Having to use an unfamiliar bathroom;

2) Having to express a cat's anal glands;

And of course the big one,

1) Having to take temporary leave of this blog.

Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I announce I must do numbers three (3) and one (1), for I have traveling to do, and these travels mean that not only will I have to use unfamiliar bathrooms (unless I can "hold it in" for a really long time), but I will also be unable to place words into this blog (at least not ones worth reading, inasmuch as any of this is worth reading, which is debatable, but believe it or not I do have standards).

All of this is a very roundabout way of saying that I'm about to board a plane and that I will be away from this blog until Thursday, March 3rd, at which point I will return with regular updates. Yes, there is much to look forward to in March, as you can see from looking at this calendar:

As for the nature of my travels, the first portion of the trip will actually consist of testing bicycles with the editorial staff of Bicycling magazine, during which I will finally get to see how they decide that one crabon bicycle is more laterally still and vertically compliant than another. This is very poignant for me, since it's been almost four years since I wrote this post, and I'm dying to find out if Bicycling's testing process is as unintentionally funny as the reviews it yields. Sadly though I'll probably never find out, since judging by my recent training numbers I expect to get dropped immediately and never see the editorial staff of Bicycling ever again:



As for the second portion of the trip, that goes beyond the purview of this blog, but let's just say I'm finally going into the studio to record that country and Western album I've been talking about.

In any case, like a good minimalist, I've got my suitcase bike:



And my suitcase chair:


And a suitcase for my cellphone and cellphone accessories:

Though unfortunately I don't have a suitcase for my actual clothes, since apparently they don't make those anymore. Also, I was unable to find my preferred road bicycle riding sunglasses (otherwise known as "optics"), and after much digging all I was able to turn up were these positively Fred-tastic Oakley M Frames in a strange orangey-yellow "colorway" from "back in the day:"

(Oakley M Frames and disembodied hand.)

I may just have to squint on this trip, though I imagine I'd also cut a dashing Kenny Powers-esque figure as I sit in the terminal on my suitcase chair gazing at the departure screen through my M Frames. Or maybe I'll just put them on eBay, where bicycles and bicycle parts surf an endless sea of disembodied hands, like concertgoers at Lollapalooza:

(Impressive eBay disembodied hand curation forwarded by a reader.)

In the meantime, I apologize for neglecting my blogular duties, but I will point out that I did blogulate yesterday, which was technically a holiday, so that's something anyway. Also, if I have anything urgent to relate during my absence I will do so by means of my Tweeter. As always, thank you very much for reading, and I look forward to returning on Thursday, March 3rd.

Until then, I remain yours,

--BSNYC/RTMS

BSNYC/vthm

cc: David Byrne

bcc: David Byrne's car