Make Way: The Future's So Green I Gotta Wear Rollerblades

Commuting in a big city can be stressful.  For example, a New York City cyclist might, in the heat of the moment, resort to foul language and complain that his progress is being impeded by some "fat tub of shit from New Jersey."  Well, one might argue that such anger is excessive--regardless of whether or not it is indeed an accurate description of a typical driver from west of the Hudson.  But what happens when that cyclist is quite literally being blocked by a fat tub of shit from New Jersey?

This was the case for me this morning as I traveled along a "protected" bike lane in Manhattan:

I apologize for the foul language, but if you can come up with a better way to describe this vehicle I'd like to hear it.

Speaking of being full of shit, yesterday I mentioned the 45-year-old Fred who got busted for doping at the New York Gran Fondo and who, hilariously, rides for a team organized by a website that is pathologically obsessed with the prosecution of Lance Armstrong.  Well, further to that post, a reader had the following to say:

Anonymous said...
http://www.thefreemanonline.org/features/the-common-sense-of-progress/


"If today in the United States or western Europe the relatively poor can have a car or a refriger­ator, an airplane trip or a radio, at the cost of a reasonable part of their income, this was made possible because in the past others with larger incomes were able to spend on what was then a luxury. The path of advance is greatly eased by the fact that it has been trodden before. It is because scouts have found the goal that the road can be built for the less lucky or less energetic. What to­day may seem extravagance or even waste, because it is enjoyed by the few and even undreamed of by the masses, is payment for the experimentation with a style of living that will eventually be available to many."


tl;dr


...unless those rich amateurs keep on buying those carbon race wheels, *we* (the ordinary plebs) won't be able to buy them for $100, 20 years down the line. FACT.

An interesting point to be sure, but progress?  I'm not sure it's fair to compare home refrigeration becoming available to the masses with crabon fiber race wheels getting blown out by Nashbar.  It seems to me that the difference between having refrigeration and not having it is life-changing, whereas the difference between having wheels made out of metal and wheels made out of plastic is negligible.  (Not to mention the fact that the plastic wheel is arguably inferior to the metal wheel for most riders, even amateur racers.  Have you watched one of them try to stop lately?)  Plus, it's the "ordinary plebs" who are buying the crabon wheels now, right alongside the monied masters, so there's no reason for the manufacturers to bring the price down anyway.  That's why crabon bicycles are more expensive than ever despite having been around for decades.  It's also why the bicycle racing marketplace doesn't follow the ordinary laws of economics, and instead remains a bubble of delusion and stupidity.

Also on the subject of doping, yesterday I made the following inane comment on Twitter, because I am an inane person, and because Twitter, to paraphrase George Mallory, is just "there," waiting to have stupid words put into it:

I assumed it was obvious that I was joking, but one member of the Twitteroni was filled with indignation:

Which naturally inspired me to continue flogging a joke that really wasn't even funny in the first place:

Which in turn only made the Twitterono even more indignant:

I actually think anybody who supports any Kickstarter campaign should feel outraged and betrayed, but despite this I actually began to think about the fake question I had posed.  Let's say I were to launch a Kickstarter campaign for my cross-country bicycle tour, in which I'd cycle from New York City to Los Angeles while wearing a chicken suit in order to raise awareness for salmonella poisoning.  Would it indeed be wrong to resort to performance-enhancing drugs in order to complete my ride?  It's not like I'm breaking any rules, since as far as I know there are no rules when it comes to riding across country in a chicken suit.  Sure, it lacks dignity, but arguably I dispensed with dignity when I started asking for money on Kickstarter--and I definitely divested myself of it when I donned that chicken suit.  So what's a little EPO in the mix?  It's certainly less dangerous than salmonella.

Anyway, as I pondered all this, the Twitteroni had a moment of sympathy for me and my phony predicament:

So there you have it.  It is actually possible to finish a century ride without drugs.  Who would have imagined?  Let that be a lesson to all the 40+ fondo Freds out there looking to wring all they can from their crabon wheels.  (Though reading it again it's possible she means she finished two centuries and one triathlon back-to-back on the same day, which is actually pretty impressive, especially without drugs.)

Speaking of Kickstarter, some people desperately need your money so they can show movies outside:

The word "visionary" gets thrown around so much that it's now almost completely devoid of meaning, which is why I feel comfortable calling these people visionaries.  Here's their vision:

Last summer, we did some pretty simple math that ended up spawning (in our personal opinion) one of the most fun and memorable days of the summer. Written out, the equation looked something like this: 

Summer + Bikes + 80’s Movie Nostalgia = A damn fine summer evening.  

In July 2011 we teamed up with the Brooklyn-based food blog and supper club Forking Tasty for a unique, modern twist on the classic American Drive-In experience: the Bike-In-Theater. Hundreds of riders sat and watched a movie on the Brooklyn waterfront, while munching on snacks from the Forking Tasty kitchen, including five unique gourmet-flavored popcorns. The free event was designed as a way to celebrate summer and bike month in NYC. 

In 2012 we’re expanding on the success and demand created last year. With the help of the Kickstarter community, we’re attempting a bi-coastal tour that will start this summer in NYC and end in October in San Francisco. Please help us launch the 2012 Bike-In-Theater tour. It’s your passion, enthusiasm and backing that will help us to make this reality.

And here's the video:

I'm not sure it's fair to call showing a bunch of movies that are on cable 14 times a day "curating," but then again the word "curate" has been even more diluted than the word "visionary" so I shouldn't complain.  Also, there were cookies:

("Curating" now means "putting snacks in metal tubs for stoners.")

So why do they need $24,000 to show movies on a brick wall?  Well, in addition to cookie funds, they also need money for chalk:

Also, according to this guy, they need "proper rights for movies:"

Which would make the organizers of "Bike-In-Theater" the only two people on the face of the planet Earth who take those anti-piracy warnings seriously.  Really, they could save us all a lot of money if they'd just screen some bootlegs they bought on the subway.  Anyway, Brooklyn becomes more like San Francisco every year, so it's good to see two entrepreneurs working hard to make them completely indistinguishable.  

In other smugness news, are you one of those people who advocates cycling because it's "good for the environment?"  Well, I've always felt this was a dangerous argument, since it leaves the door wide open for some other more ecologically friendly modes of transport to take away all our hard-fought gains.  For example, I don't know about you, but I don't want to get sandbagged by a bunch of Rollerbladers:

The above Rollerblade advocacy article was forwarded to me by a reader, and of course it includes the requisite pro-Rollerblade infographic:

Sure, Rollerblading may be "greener," but as far as I'm concerned this is the only infographic I need:

That's the Rollerblade equivalent of "cycle chic."

Hand-Folding: It's Not Just For Laundry Anymore

When you think of folding bikes, no doubt you think of tiny-wheeled circus affairs straddled by people in blazers and DayGlo pant cuff retainers.  What you probably don't think of is actual folding, like what you do with your underpants after you wash them.  (Assuming you wear underpants, and assuming you wash them.)  However, you will soon--at least if Ronin Bicycle Works gets its way:

Finally, it's a frame made out of folded sheet metal, and the inventors only want $100,000 to mass-produce a bicycle that employs the same groundbreaking technology used to make origami and marijuana cigarettes:



This folded bicycle frame is held together by "rivets and glue," and it boasts the elegance and clean lines of a light switch box--which I'm fairly sure is what they used for the headtubebox:

You can keep your fancy tubing and your hand-carved lugs--give me a bike that's made from baking sheets and shelf brackets:

Every handmade bicycle tells the story of its builder, and often merely looking at one tells you everything you need to know about what he or she was thinking at the time.  This bike is no exception, and I'm fairly certain that what the builder was thinking here was, "I can't believe they let me work in the prison metal shop.  Should I build something to bust out of here, or should I build a bike?  Ah, fuck it, I'll build a bike."

But that doesn't mean the Ronin bike doesn't boast meticulous attention to detail.  For example, the underside of the downtubesheet is creased for uncomfortable "portaging:"

Though they really should have equipped it with a more appropriate saddle:

So help these guys reach their goal, and if you give enough then you too could own a bike with all the elegance of one of those tin foil leftover-"portaging" swans they give you at restaurants:

Because really, it's just an uglier and less practical version of a bike share bike:

The above image, by the way, is from the NYC Bike Share website, and I can't wait until the program launches this summer.  Here's another image of a woman pretending to use the bike share system at the intersection of Atlantic and Flatbush Avenues, which is probably the least bike-friendly intersection in all of Brooklyn:

In all sincerity though I am an avid bike share enthusiast--so much so that I'm considering going to work for them:

I particularly like the sound of the "Ambassador" position, though apart from having "prior exposure to the local market" I meet none of the qualifications:

All Candidates Must Have:


• A fun and upbeat personality that reflects the NYC Bicycle Share brand and spirit
• Experience interacting with very large groups of consumers ranging from kids to adults
• Knowledge of Bicycling in NYC and prior exposure to the local market
• Ability to take direction well
• Excellent attention to detail, organization and communication skills


My personality is dour and morose, I do my very best to avoid large groups of consumers, I refuse to take direction, and I'm so disorganized I don't even fold my underwear.  Still, that's not going to stop me from submitting my résumé:

I admit I padded it a bit, but I really do like soup.

Speaking of innovation and cycling, a reader informs me that a Tucson man has invented an arm-and-leg-powered recumbent:

I strongly recommend watching the video that accompanies the story above, but I'm not embedding it because it seems to be one of those videos that plays automatically when the page loads, and the last thing you want is to get caught watching recumbent videos at work.  In fact, getting caught watching recumbent videos is pretty much the only time you'd actually toggle over to a porn site in order to save face, so follow the link at your own risk.  Or, if you're too much of a "woosie," here's the gist of it:

"If you're a cyclist, you know that a long ride will leave your leg muscles feeling fatigued. But have you ever wished you could get an arm workout at the same time? One local rider had a similar thought, and has now patented his arm and leg powered recumbent bike."


Here's what he wound up with:

I can think of another way to engage your arms in a repetitive back-and-forth motion while riding a recumbent that doesn't require a proprietary bike.  Instead, just get a Shake Weight and use it while you ride:



Or, even simpler, simply omit the Shake Weight and ride around while "foffing off."  Actually, it's a great way to squeeze in an arm workout at any time of day--even when you're just sitting around on the couch.

Meanwhile, in other suggestive recumbent innovation news, another reader has just alerted me to the revolutionary "Ball 'Bent:"

I bet it offers a smooth ride, but unfortunately it's a total ripoff of those Uniball Unicycles:

At the very least he could have equipped it with a folded metal frame.

Kicking It Over: Innovation and Self-Expression

So far this week, we've looked at two (2) videos made by two separate human-shaped animals, each of which states in its own unique dialect of moronese that people should ride their bikes on the sidewalk or else they should get run over and die.

Subsequently, one of these videographers (whose name I cannot recall) has made his video private:

While the other, "DonnieDudeDarnit," has removed his altogether:

I'm oddly fascinated by the sorts of people who take the time to record deliberately provocative videos, post them on a public forum, and then remove them when they actually elicit provocation.  It's a strange human impulse, like challenging people to fistfights and then running away, or sexually propositioning people and then making lame excuses when they actually accept.  ("Oh, sorry, I left my genitals in my other pants.")  I suppose what it comes down to is that certain people are oddly thrilled by the notion that someone might catch them doing their weird Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs" tuck-in-the-pee-pee dance and so they leave the blinds open, but when people actually start peeking in they panic and go back to sewing their bodysuits made from human skin.

Speaking of handicrafts, a reader has informed me that you can now purchase little planters for your bike:

Are you one of those people who is consumed by an unbearable longing for your houseplants when you're away from home?  If so, this horticultural "hipster cyst" is for you:

Do you love riding bikes? What about plants? Bring your plants on an adventure and let them enjoy some sunshine and fresh air! If you’ve ever dreamed about attaching a plant to your bike, now you’re in luck! This bike planter is made with 3D printing tehcnology, so not only will you be showing off your love of nature, but you’ll be showing off a little piece of the future.

Do I love riding bikes?  Yes I do.  What about plants?  Well, I dunno, I never really thought about it, but I suppose they must love riding bikes too.  And it's true, it's not really fair to keep a plant cooped up inside all day--you can tell they resent it because sometimes when you've been away for a long time you get home only to find they've torn up your clothing and peed in your shoes.  Moreover, I have in fact dreamed of attaching a plant to my bike, though it wasn't a "Wow, if only..." dream, it was more of a nightmare in which my hands turned to vines, I started sprouting palm fronds from my head, and I became a permanent part of my Scattante.  It was awful.  Still, I think the bike planter is a pretty good idea, if only because I can finally fire my very expensive plant nanny and just take my houseplants with me everywhere I go instead.

Of course, if you have a lot of plants a bike planter may not be enough, and you might just have to get a botanical bakfiets:

No helments on those plants?  For shame!

And certainly no plant-portaging bike is complete without an ivy lock:

Sadly, it's no match for a decent pair of pruning shears.

However, for the ultimate in bike-and-plant smugness, you really can't beat using your bike to make fine art paper out of invasive plant species:

Simply gather some vegetation, run it through your bicycle-powered beater, and then write your most smug insights in calligraphy using 140 characters or less.  Then, frame it and hang it in your local coffee house or bicycle co-op.  This is known as "artisanal Tweeting."

I wonder if there are any bicycle paper makers in Portland.  If not, I think I may launch a Kickstarter for a sustainable bike-powered artisanal toilet paper business.  All I'd have to do is set up one of these bike-powered paper mills somewhere with a lot of plants, like maybe Forest Park, and then I could pedal away making toilet paper all day and sell it for $25 a foot.  Sure, that's a lot compared to a roll of Charmin, and my product will no doubt contain all sorts of irritating and possibly painful imperfections ("Oops!  Looks like some poison oak got in the beater again!"), but you can't put a price on a self-satisfied and utterly guilt-free bathroom experience.

In fact, I got so excited about becoming a toilet papersmith that I headed over to Kickstarter to see if anyone had beat me to it.  They hadn't, though there was someone who wants to make bike tacos:



Sometime during the past ten years or so food preparation officially surpassed filmmaking as the loftiest form of creative expression for the liberal arts demographic.  Furthermore, it's essential that this food be prepared and served from some sort of vehicle (preferably a truck or a bicycle) instead of from an actual restaurant.  Part of the reason for this is of course that it's cheaper that way, but it's also because gentrification moves so quickly now that you need to be able to descend upon a new neighborhood within hours of reading a Tweet about it so you can provide all those young "pioneers" with the food products to which their refined palates have grown accustomed.   In any case, I have no doubt that if Darren Aronofsky were getting started today he'd never have made the movie "Pi;" instead, he'd be selling actual pies from a bakfiets.

But when it comes to creative expression, one of the most timelessly uncool forms is the art of puppetry, and the Austin Bike Zoo are combining theater, puppetry, and bicycles in a way I'd always hoped was impossible:



The Austin Bike Zoo’s Human Powered Puppetry is dedicated to inspiring communities through the creation of unique human powered vehicles, bicycle-based theatrical performances and educational programs for youth.

This particular play is called "A Typical Day in Portland:"

And it features the World's Scariest Recumbent:

As well as some thrilling stage combat:

(The protagonist of "A Typical Day in Portland" fights the dreaded Crotch Monster.)

I always thought Austin's motto was "Keep Austin Weird," but apparently it's actually "Keep Austin in a State of Delusion Akin to the Latter Stages of Syphilis."

Lastly, speaking of recumbents, while browsing Kickstarter I also discovered this recumbent motorcycle:



I really think the inventor may be on to something, though I'd also recommend a few tweaks.  In particular, I'd add a second pair of wheels for stability, as well as a canopy or roof for protection from the elements.  The enhanced stability would also allow additional room for passengers and cargo.  Here's a crude rendering:

(Behold: The Recumbent Motorcycle)

Sure, it doesn't have the thrillingly raw appeal of a Harley-Davidson, but there's no reason you can't drive this bad boy while decked out in heavy boots, leather chaps, and a skid lid.  When you slip into formation with all those burly bikers, just explain to them you're riding recumbent motorycle, crank up "Born to Be Wild," and be sure to blip the throttle at the next underpass.