Some Nerve: The Audacity of Audacity

This past Friday, you may recall that I mentioned the following Wall Street Journal article about the Portland bike racer couple whose exotic homestead features a luxurious crabon-filled bike cabaña:

To my surprise, Friday's post has subsequently accumulated something on the order of 15,000 comments, due largely to the fact that some readers objected to my irreverent take on the article.

As a blogger, I welcome and enjoy all commentary I receive, whether it's positive, negative, indifferent, or just random anonymous people posting one-word comments such as "scranus" and "nipples." This is because I love my "job," and anybody who so much glances at this blog--to say nothing of actually reading it and taking the time to leave a comment--makes my "job" possible and is therefore exalted in my eyes. Furthermore, I expect to receive negative comments, firstly because I often deserve them, and secondly because, well, this is the Internet and not a kindergarten classroom, and it's vital for society to have a socially-sanctioned blow-off valve in which it's acceptable for people to call other people douchebags.

Nevertheless, I was a bit puzzled by the negative commentary in this case, since I really hadn't even said anything mean about the owners. If anything, I gently ribbed them by trotting out the same tired Portland jokes I've been making for years, since I am a sustainable green blogger and thus recycle all my jokes. In this case, the joke was basically that the Butlers' bike room was not "smug" enough by Portland standards, because it had a bunch of race bikes and no "bake feets." Har, har.

At first, I was tempted to put the negative reaction down to regional cultural differences. See, the owners of the house are from Portland, as are the offended commenters. Sometimes I forget that as a New Yorker I'm regularly exposed to something called "humor," whereas Portlanders only encounter it maybe once or twice a year. Therefore, on the rare occasions when they do happen upon it, they tend to get confused in an endearingly Spock-like fashion.

To test my theory, I headed over to BikePortland, where proprietor Jonathan Maus had also mentioned the article. More to the point, he mentioned it in a sincere and joke-free fashion, just as I suspected he would:

Nevertheless, Portlanders were mad at him too. Even more interestingly, they were mad at him for exactly the opposite reasons they were mad at me:
Babygorilla December 2, 2011 at 11:29 am

Wow. Just wow. I'm generally pretty cynical in my postings, but I think I'm done with this site. A $1.5 million house for a "financial analyst" and his wife and they're holding fundraisers as the thing's being built and it took the comments to point this out on a site that is simultaneously cheerleading the OWS/Bike Swarm movement? I hope that the community support last winter saved the Butlers enough to upgrade to a redwood sauna.

http://bikeportland.org/2011/01/14/buck-a-pint-fundraiser-will-help-send-portland-racer-to-cyclocross-worlds-46058

Recommended 30

As you can see, 30 people "up-thumbed" that comment--that's more approbation than was received by any other comment on that post. So basically, people were angry with me because they thought I was being mean to the Butlers. Yet, at the same time, they were also angry with Maus for not indicting the Butlers on ethical grounds and castigating them for a perceived lack of integrity.

Of course, this is only part of the story, and other commenters were angry at me because they somehow thought I was actually encouraging #Occupy protesters to break into the Butlers' house and form a drum circle. Obviously this was not my intention, and to think that it was is--let's be honest--completely crazy. I mean, to say that I wanted anybody to break into their house is like saying these guys actually want you to jump into a garbage disposal:

Though I do maintain that the fork-in-the-garbage-disposal dance is poised to become the new drum circle. Just imagine thousands of people doing this at once. "The system" would topple overnight.

However, in retrospect maybe it was a bit irresponsible, since those #Occupy protesters are pretty impressionable. For example, a lot of anti-#Occupy people like to tell the protesters to "Get a job!," and at least one protester has gone and done just that--as a financial analyst no less:


She’s gone from Occupy Wall Street to occupying a job on Wall Street.

Down-on-her-luck protester Tracy Postert spent 15 days washing sidewalks and making sandwiches at Zuccotti Park — then landed a dream job at a Financial District investment firm thanks to a high-powered passer-by who offered her work.

Given the fact that the protesters will clearly do anything you tell them no matter how antithetical to their cause, it's only a matter of time before the 1% changes their heckles from "Get a job!" to "Wash my car!," thus transforming the #Occupy movement into one giant brush-free car wash.

Nevertheless, if you're crazy enough think I was telling people to break into the Butlers' house, then you're also crazy enough to think that Jonathan Maus was doing the same thing:

That sounds to me like a threat--assuming, of course, you're completely insane.

Anyway, I try to learn from all my experiences. So what have I learned from this one? Well, I've learned the following:

1) Portland's hemp veil of smugness is actually masking a lot of repressed anger that they are channeling into cyclocross, artisanal handicrafts, and blog commenting;

2) Never, ever, ever leap into a garbage disposal;

3) Dried fruit is delicious. (This has nothing to do with the house post, I just ate some dried fruit for the first time in years recently and really enjoyed it.)

Most of all, though, I grew nostalgic, for I remember a time when, like the Butlers, I too warranted a mention in the Wall Street Journal. In fact, I warranted two: here; and here. However, in those cases all the responses were universally positive. To wit:

3:17 pm March 30, 2010

Robert wrote:

Well it’s terrific that this self acclaimed bike snob “is at peace with revealing himself”.

Is this some kind of early April Fools Day joke!

New York is filled with snobs. Delicious to know we now have one for bikes.

3:23 pm March 30, 2010

Anonymous wrote:

Who cares?

3:40 pm March 30, 2010

Anonymous wrote:

Never heard of him, love it when the snobs put down 10 grand on a silly bicycle, more money back into the economy. Most of these people are just buying the bikes to impress their friends…

Actually, now that I look at them I guess they weren't so positive, but at the time I was much too happy to care, and I'd like to think the Butlers are feeling the same way.

And while we're on the subject of bike storage, here's a question:

Which is more ridiculous, having a lavish storage space for your 22 bikes, or having one custom bike that takes up your entire home?

I'd say you can make the strong case that the latter is far more ridiculous, especially since it describes me. 29-inch mountain bikes are very large, especially with appropriately voluminous tires and wide bars, and mine makes me the equivalent of those people who buy flat screen TVs that take up their entire living room. Here's my bike filling a Long Island Railroad this past weekend:

Sure, you might say having a fancy Engin singlespeed makes me something of a hypocrite, but in my defense I need those high-end bearings because it's physically impossible to keep it in my tiny home without at least part of it being in the shower. This means the bike is subject to water each and every time I bathe, which can be as frequently as twice a week. Also, bike bloggers need fancy bikes so they can make "epic" offroad excursions in faraway, exotic places like Queens:

Where they compensate for their poor riding skills by taking pictures of their fancy bikes:

And rummage around inside their impossibly smug Rivendell fanny packs (oh yeah, I totally rode in a fanny pack this weekend) in search of dignity:

After which they go back home:


And luxuriate in their designer saunas along with members of the Liquigas team:

(Forwarded by a reader)

While watching irreverent singlespeed videos on YouTube:

Of course, while taking gratuitous photos of your equipment is important, if you don't also upload the details of your ride to a social networking site then the ride didn't happen, so if you want to see my ride on Strava you can do so here.

It was, I'm sure you'll agree, "epic."

And if all of this hasn't yet turned you against me once and for all, consider that this stolen "bake feets" was recently recovered not far from where I live:

And despite walking right past it while was missing I did nothing whatsoever to aid in the recovery. Granted, I had no idea it was stolen, but that's only because I don't do my part for the "bike culture." Everybody true "bike culture" member knows that you're supposed to regularly read "bike culture" blogs and study stolen bike postings, and that you should determine the provenance of any "bake feets" you see in Brooklyn before moving on--especially if it's located outside of the Park Slope/"BoCoCa"/Williamsburg/Greenpoint smugness nexus.

At the very least, I should have photographed it and made fun of it, and maybe the owner would have seen it and something good might have come out of this blog for once.

Really, I should be forced to forfeit my fancy bicycle and ride a "bisexual" bike, like this one I saw on the Twitter:

70's Raleigh 3 SPEED Bisexual i suppose boy or girl could ride it :>) - $80 (EAST LANSING)

Date: 2011-12-04, 2:08PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Nice shape

Will need a little Hub work that little thing that goes in and out in the center of back wheel is not shifting good

CLEAN WE HAVE KEPT IN THE BASEMENT

Space might be a problem, but I could always put it in the sauna with the Liquigas guys.

Mating Rituals: Heeding the Call

When you think of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA, Earth, do you think of this?

Or this?

Or, like most people, do you just think of this?



Well, this coming weekend, Philadelphia only means one thing: Bikes, Bikes, Bikes!!! (Okay, technically that's three things.) That's because it's time once again for the Philly Bike Expo, Philadelphia's finest bike show and cream cheese-tasting festival!

There are about a million compelling reasons to go to the Philly Bike Expo this year: because you want to see awesome bikes; because your significant other, spouse, or life partner is a huge bike dork and is making you go; because you live in Philadelphia and there's nothing else to do... But one reason that's not even remotely compelling is that I'll be giving a "seminar" at 2:00pm on Saturday:


This is why the Philly Bike Expo is changing its slogan from "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives" to "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives & A-holes:"

Of course, if you've been to one of my appearances before, you pretty much know what to expect:



However, once I'm finished I promise to wake you up so that I can give away fabulous prizes. These prizes will include:

--The contents of a box of stuff from Knog that I haven't opened yet but that makes the sound of awesome when I shake it;

--"Skincare" from Rapha;

--Coffee from the Just Coffee Cooperative, the cooperative that can beat up any coffee shop in Portland;

And

--50 custom titanium Seven bicycles The remainder of my lunch, provided I'm not able to finish it.

So please show up and get free stuff, if only so I don't have to portage schlep any of it all the way back to New York with me.

With that out of the way, you may recall that yesterday I mentioned Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish's target of choice, Peta Todd:

(Peta Todd attempting to cover her breasts with her hands and missing.)

Well, as you probably noticed, she has the same first name as a popular animal rights group, and I happened to notice in the news today that this popular animal rights group is suing SeaWorld for slavery:

The suit, which PETA says it will file Wednesday in U.S. District Court in San Diego, hinges on the fact that the 13th Amendment, while prohibiting slavery and involuntary servitude, does not specify that only humans can be victims.

While I have my own reservations about zoos and animal theme parks, I also think this lawsuit is absurd, as it's clearly meant to deflect media attention from the fact that PETA itself is being sued by the model for "Kitty Takeover: Cat Week 2011:"

Mittens claims the animal rights organization used his image without his consent and seeks damages to the tune of $8.6 million. He also claims that Peta founders Ingrid Newkirk and Alex Pacheco plied him with catnip before the shoot.

Speaking of cats, and animal rights, and famous sprinters and reproduction (as I was yesterday), in a controversial experiment this cat:


Was exposed to Mario Cipollini for five minutes:

And six hours later, this happened:

The two most shocking things about this experiment were that: 1) All Cipollini did was look at the cat; and 2) The cat is a male. Such is the reproductive power of Mario Cipollini, who is himself part cat:

(What's with the sneakers?)

And all hormones.

Also further to yesterday's post, one reader left the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Extraordinary: a kind of triathlon where ppl actually do have bike handling skills, and better, they can fix a flat !!

October 25, 2011 12:52 PM

And included a link to the following video:



Inasmuch as you're about as likely to find good bike-handling at a triathlon as you are to find pants on Mario Cipollini, I watched the video with interest. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the bike-handling skills to which the reader referred. For example, they weren't here, where someone just rides off the trail for no reason:

Nor were they here:

Or here:



Or even here, on a flattish section of trail with nobody around:

Of course, I realize that these people have just swum a whole lot, so they're already tired. I also realize I've never ridden in Hawaii, so I'm unaware of the unique challenges posed by the terrain. For example, the fallen riders may all have been the victims of invisible lizards. Still, I can't help thinking that the race contains an awful lot of walking for a non-ironic world championship:


And as for the competitors being able to fix a flat, while I did see this, I also saw no evidence that he completed the job successfully:

Without substantiation, I'm just going to have to assume he's still out there.

Of course, I'm more than aware that there's no way I'd be able to complete a grueling athletic endeavor such as the XTERRA World Championships, and I also admit I walk so much while riding offroad that I should probably trade my mountain bike for one of these. Still, I also see nothing in that video to alter my suspicion that, for the vast majority of humanity, bike-handling skills dissolve in water like so much Alka-Seltzer.

And finally, thanks to Craigslist, I think I may finally have discovered the mating call of the "hipster:"

Auburn hair walking on southside of Manhattan Ave - m4w - 30 (WIlliamsburg)
Date: 2011-10-25, 2:15PM EDT
Reply to:

You we're walking on the southside of Manhattan ave behind the school at 2:45 on monday. I was riding my bike. You with your auburn hair, blue jeans and boots. Me riding by in my black hoody. I let out an "ewf". Sorry, you struck me pretty hard. That's all that would come out. Just wanted to let you know. You're a fox.

So if you're ever walking in a trendy neighborhood such as Williamsburg and hear a lilting, "Ewf, ewf, ewf...," just know that you're being courted. It may also be accompanied by some lizard-like head bobbing. Unless it's Mario Cipollini, in which case you'll hear nothing at all until the babies come.

Racing Towards Anxiety: Sowing the Seeds of Doubt

This past weekend, the Bicycle Film Festival took place in New York City. If you're unfamiliar with the Bicycle Film Festival, it's kind of like Sundance, only for the sorts of people who wear cycling caps as casual wear and ride brakeless bicycles with perpetually empty CETMA racks. I did not attend the festival, even though (or, more accurately, because) it featured films like that "Racing Towards Red Hook" video, the preview of which is so sublimely absurd as to warrant a second viewing:

expresso: racing towards red hook (trailer) from Jessica Scott on Vimeo.

In addition to the infamous "This ain't no hipster shit" quote, the "Racing Towards Red Hook" preview also features other rhinestones of wisdom, such as this:

"So many people have, like, this type of bike it makes sense to create some sort of sporting event around it."

I couldn't agree more. Given the popularity of fixed-gears it really is about time somebody invented some kind of competition in which these bicycles can be utilized. I think the ideal venue for a bicycle with a single gear ratio and no brakes would be some sort of flat, closed bicycle track, and instead of running lights and getting signatures on manifests or popping wheelies they could simply ride around and around it to see who's the fastest. It could be called a "velo-drome"--"velo" for bike, and "drome" for, well, drome--and if someone were to build some sort of prototype I have no doubt it would attract many fixed-gear cyclists with trendy moustaches:

Sure, it will be underground to begin with, but who knows? Maybe in 50 or 100 years racing bicycles inside of a "velo-drome" could become an olympic sport! I know it seems far-fetched, but hey, we can dream. And it will all have started thanks to the boundless vision of the guy in the Cinelli hat.

(Frank Warren: Non-Hipster and Inventor of the Velodrome)

It's hard to blame him for his exuberance though. After all, who among us has not discovered some new pleasure, and become so excited about it that we mistake this excitement for discovery? I know that was my experience when I tasted chocolate-dipped haggis for the first time. "Have you tried this?!?," I shouted exuberantly as I attempted to foist forkfuls of the stuff onto complete strangers. "It's amazing!" Little did I know artisanal chocolate-dipped haggis trucks have been all the rage in Brooklyn for like months now, and in my enthusiasm I came off as a total foodie "noob." Now, I know better, so I munch my chocolate-dipped haggis while wearing the appropriately fashionable expression of world-weary detachment.

Speaking of bicycle racing, that was one of the things I opted to do this past weekend instead of going to the Cycling Caps and Shants Film Festival. Even though I harbor no illusions as to my ability and enter races with little ambition beyond enjoying myself and not falling down, I'm usually excited before a race. I'm also always just a tiny bit nervous, mostly because I'm anticipating a state of anaerobic distress. Anyway, this was a mountain bike race, and as I stood there resting on my handlebars and awaiting the mad scramble for the holeshot, one of my fellow riders pointed to my arm and asked, "Has that been there from birth?" He was referring to a mole.

"I dunno," I replied.

"Well, you should really get it checked out," he pronounced in a dire tone.

One of my favorite things about bike racing is that, for the duration of the race, you set your troubles aside and focus only on riding your bike. Well, so much for that. Riding my bike was now the last thing on my mind, since apparently I had skin cancer. Basically, his words had the same excitement-quelling effect as slipping on a Larry King mask just before lovemaking. Then, my mind immediately shot to my recent return from Gothenburg, Sweden, when my driver had uttered these chilling words to me:

"You will die very soon. Mark my words. You will die very soon."

Sweet merciful Lob! It now became clear that he had put a curse on me and manifest a malignant mole upon my person.

A few rows ahead of me, a rider was wearing some sort of yellow LiveStrong helmet and glasses combo, and I resolved to push my way up to him and rub my moley arm all over his head and face in the hopes that his accessories might serve as a curative. Unfortunately, before I could get to him the race began, and like pretty much everybody else who was there that day he rode away from me rather easily.

Needless to say, I continued to reflect on this throughout the race, and at one point it occurred to me that perhaps it had been my fellow rider's plan to "psyche me out" all along by effectively transforming my race into a real-life "Seinfeld" episode. Furthermore, maybe I wasn't his only victim. For all I know, he could had been going from rider to rider and sowing seeds of doubt and fear in each one of them. "Hmmm, do you have a family history of glaucoma?," he might have asked as he peered into someone's eyes. "Did you just go to the bathroom again? Frequent urination can be a sign of adult onset diabetes."

In any case, if his intention was to undermine me he needn't have bothered, since in a race you can always count on me to undermine myself--and as usual, I did a commendable job of it. As for the mole, I suppose it couldn't hurt to go to the doctor, though I think I'll just take a picture of it and put it up on Twitter or Facebook instead. [Is my mole dangerous? If "yes," click the "Like" button!] Yes, here in HMO-merica, we're big believers in the power of amateur Internet diagnosis-by-consensus. Stuff like hands-on treatment and "universal health care" is for Canadians and communists.

Anyway, given my poor performance, I briefly flirted with retiring from cycling and taking up something less tiring. But what? For a moment, I considered origami:

But then I realized that the "origami culture" is probably just as cliquey and judgmental as the "bike culture." Consider the following:

Highlights of the exhibition included folded-paper versions of an Academy Award statuette, a miniature Buddha and a 15-foot Tyrannosaurus rex constructed by a group of students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. All were completed without the aid of scissors or glue.

“We’re purists,” said Wendy Weiss, 44, of Holyoke, Mass.

Clearly scissors and glue are the brakes and derailleurs of the crafting world, and just like fixed-gear riders the scissorless-and-glueless set are way too self-righteous about not using them.

I suppose I could always sandbag as a Cat 6 racer, but frankly I don't think I could afford the equipment. As we saw last week, Cat 6-style flat-bar road bikes are becoming very exotic, and via the Twitter I've learned that cyclocross bikes are following suit:

2010 Stevens Team Cyclocross Bike (santa clara)
Date: 2011-06-24, 3:04PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

2010 52 cm Stevens Team Cyclocross Bike

* Sram Red Components
* Custom built Velocity wheels with Challenge Parigi-Roubaix 700x28 Tires
* Ritchie WCS Flat bars, Seat Post and Stem
* Fizik Arione Saddle
* Speedplay Stainless Zero pedals

8 months old and ridden less than 1000 miles

Over 4500.00 invested with receipts.

Great straight bar road bike. World class Cyclocross frame . Just a tad too big for me.
Best fit probably 5'7"-5'10". Weighs just under 17 LBS. Outstanding frame and components for the serious biker.

Serious inquires please call Joe @ 408-621-[deleted]


Good thing he kept the receipts. I hear shame is tax deductible now.