Disinformation: It's Not How Wrong You Are, It's How Wrong You Feel

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned the New York Times article about randodonearing radodaneuring riding really far, a number of readers were kind enough to point out that I made an error:

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I'm misreading either the NY Times article or your blog. I thought the NY Times writer turned arouind at mile 37 and finished the 74 mile (120 kilometer) ride. You seem to be saying the writer quit.

JUNE 6, 2011 4:11 PM

Indeed it looks like I did read the article wrong, though at least one reader was unduly smug about it:

Anonymous said...

Seconding the previous commenter who pointed out that you, um, didn't actually read or understand the NYT piece. Too proud to acknowledge your mistake?

June 6, 2011 9:53 PM

I can't stress enough that I have no pride whatsoever, and I readily acknowledge that I make mistakes on a daily (if not hourly) basis. These mistakes are not limited to cycling or reading comprehension either, and scarcely a day goes by in which I don't do something stupid such as brewing coffee without actually adding the coffee, or washing my bathtub with coffee instead of Ajax. Sure, it's foolish, but these are the sorts of mistakes you make when you're under the considerable stress of not really having all that much stress in your life.

Plus, in my defense, I was merely showing the "Spokes" people the same lack of consideration and circumspection they've shown me in the past.

Still, I agree a tearful apology is warranted, so here goes:

I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friends, my supporters, and the media. I am deeply ashamed, etc. I don't believe that I did anything here that violates any law or violates my oath, yadayadayada. However, I do maintain that I was merely shaving my chest brushing my teeth when my BlackBerry accidentally snapped this picture and Tweeted it to certain members of my constituency:

Speaking of nudity and criticism, I was also taken to task yesterday for not mentioning the World Naked Bike Ride:

Mellow Yellow said...

how dare you not mention the naked ride of epic smugness, wetness, and triple rushing!

5pm East River Park at Delancey June 11

JUNE 6, 2011 11:32 AM

For this I do not apologize. Not only have I indeed mentioned the World Naked Bike Ride recently, but I also think it's totally "grody." In fact, I think it's so grody that I'm going to Sweden this coming weekend mostly so I won't have to bear witness to the body-painted denizens of smugness who will no doubt put our cycling goodwill account in New York City even further into the red. If everybody already hates us and tries to run us down when we're fully dressed, then nudity can only hurt. If exposing yourself were a good political move, they'd be talking about Anthony Weiner for President right now instead of debating whether or not he should resign.

Then again, even cycling while fully clothed can cause you to run afoul of people's uptight sensibilities. For example, your "muffin top" might enrage the local Hasidim (or any similar group of religious retrogrouches). Or, your fleshtone saddle could evoke a certain body part, as in this photo via the proprietor of the Old Ten Speed Gallery:

Actually, I "can't say with certitude" that it's even a saddle at all:

Anyway, between my inability to read simple New York Times articles and my lack of certitude as to the above rider's genderway, it's obvious that I'm clueless--though maybe not as clueless as the "hillbomber" guy I mentioned some time ago. He actually "curates" something of an advice column, wherein he dispenses misinformation such as this:



hey emi! you're an inspirational rider for me!
i wanted to ask something, what is the different between a clincher and a tubular and what does it affect when we're riding it?

Anonymous

Thank you so much! Tubular wheels are designed for Velodrome Riding and Clinchers are designed for road riding. Tubular tires are also a lot more dangerous to ride if not properly installed. Tubular uses clue for tube tire compo and clinchers use tubes that are separate from the tire. Tubular tires always uses a much higher psi.

Yikes! That is one multifaceted glittering rhinestone of wrong. This guy is to bicycle tires as Sarah Palin is to Paul Revere. Pretty much every sentence is misinformed:

Thank you so much! Tubular wheels are designed for Velodrome Riding and Clinchers are designed for road riding.

Right. Similarly, blue helmets are designed for velodrome riding, and white helmets are designed for road riding.

Tubular tires are also a lot more dangerous to ride if not properly installed.

Actually, I'd much rather ride an improperly installed tubular than an improperly installed clincher.

Tubular uses clue for tube tire compo and clinchers use tubes that are separate from the tire.

I don't even know what this means, I think he's saying you can compost tubulars.

Tubular tires always uses a much higher psi.

Absolutely. That's why they use tubulars for cyclocross and the cobbled classics.

I think this hillbomber should branch out and start a sex advice column too:

hey emi! you're an inspirational rider for me!

how are babies made?

Anonymous

Thank you so much! Mommy and daddy go in the bedroom and jump up and down on the bed while yelling at God. Daddy comes out with no pants and drinks a beer and nine months later a baby comes out of mommy's butt.

I think that pretty much covers the broad strokes. Maybe then he could also tell me what kind of tires to install on my Segway when I compete in the World Championship of Segway polo in Folsom, CA, of which I was informed by a reader:

Segway polo may seem absurd, but it's no more so than bike polo. After all, Segway poloists play a game fit for schoolchildren on ridiculous contraptions that cost thousands of dollars:

While bike poloists play a game fit for schoolchildren on ridiculous contraptions that cost thousands of dollars:


Plus, both [gigglechortle] "sports" lend themselves well to ironic tattooing:



That chimpanzee on a Segway looks oddly like a rear derailleur.

Anyway, given the similarities between bike polo and Segway polo, it would not surprise me if practitioners of the former begin to segue into the latter as they age. I also suspect a lot of samurai are already making the transition to road cycling, as evidenced by this Craigslist post forwarded by another reader:

Road Bike in trade wanted - $500 (Seattle)
Date: 2011-06-05, 8:04AM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm after a road bike in trade for a Paul Chen Golden Oriole Katana Samurai sword. A $ 700.00 value in like new condition.

Hopefully when he finds his bike he installs some of those samurai sword-like bottle cages.

Personally, I'd like to see a bicycle with a samurai sword cockpit, but short of that this example spotted by Back Alley Bikes might have to suffice:

I'm reasonably sure that's the setup an orangutan would wind up with after a session on a Serotta fit cycle.

Utility and Futility: Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast the First Beverage

Recently, I received a mass email from the Oregon Manifest. Oregon is the state where the city of Portland is in. When post-apocalyptic half human/half lizard archaeologists uncover the ruins of Portland dozens of years from now they will doubtless declare it to be the home of the greatest "bike culture" that the world has ever known. That's why I knew the email was important. So I clicked on it and words filled my screen and I once again thanked the Almighty Lobster on High for the miracle that is the Internet and here are the words that came to me from the Holy City of Portland:

Bike People!

Oh! what a beginning, and Oh! how I groveled in obeisance. Yes, I am a "Bike People!" Speak to me, o Portland! Tell me what I am to do in thy name!

Oregon Manifest is asking designers and custom bike builders to create the Ultimate Modern Utility Bike.

Joy of joys! I knew this day would come! Portland has finally decided to lay waste to the world with a cleansing Flood of Smugness! And as the Lord bid Noah to build an ark, the Oregon Manifest bids us build the Ultimate Modern Utility Bike so that only the righteous Bike People survive the deluge.

What's a Utility Bike?

Asked the email rhetorically, and then answered itself:

The bike that fits into and enhances your everyday life seamlessly –

a bike that performs many tasks well, is easy to use, easy to secure, easy to grab and go.

Yea, it's an Ark of Smugness, aboard which you load every kind of "Bike People" two-by-two in order to "portage" them to salvation. Two roadies, two mountain bikers, two randonneurs, and so forth. The recumbent riders will be left to fend for themselves, because they can easily "retrofit" their contraptions into paddle boats.

In your world, what would Ultimate Modern Utility Bike do?
Get you from point B to Point B with little effort?
Haul Groceries and still haul ass?
Perform multiple tasks but still feel fun to ride?

Yes, yes, and yes! Also it would fly, brew coffee, and shoot deadly lasers, all while remaining Laterally Stiff Yet Vertically Compliant. Amen.

We want you to tell us what your idea of the Ultimate Utility Bike is!
We may include your submission in our upcoming Oregon Manifest video broadcast on our website.
Send us a 1-2 minute video of yourself completing the following three sentences:


1. I'm _____________ from _________, ____ and this is my idea of the ultimate utility bike.

Uh, BSNYC/RTMS from Terra Haute, IN.

2. The Ultimate Modern Utility Bikes should....
("take me to work, allow me to shop for weekly groceries, carry my kid, store in my office easily")

...portage stuff, fly, brew coffee and kill.

3. With the Ultimate Utility bike I would....
("get to work, stop off at the library, pick up a few things at the grocery story, then ride over to the next town to visit my friend")

...portage stuff, fly, brew coffee and kill.

WE ALSO INVITE YOU TO DRAW A PICTURE OF YOUR IDEA

Invitation accepted:

:::: Please pass this email on to others that might have something to say! ::::

Obviously, if you're a real-life bikemaker or just have artisanal tendencies and want to submit, contact the Oregon Manifest, but you're unlikely to outdo my Flying Death Ark.

Also, when submitting your plans, make sure to denote all measurements in cubits.

Still, we cyclists are a fickle bunch, and no sooner have we obtained our "dream" bike than we have listed it for sale on the Serotta forums in order to fund a newer, better, dreamier dream bike built by someone with more cachet and a longer wait list. I'm certainly no exception, and only moments after designing my Flying Death Ark I visited Craigslist and found something even better:

Urban Assault Vehicle electric bike (Williamsburg )
Date: 2011-01-02, 10:12AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

This is not one of those cheap production electric bikes . It bad ass NYC transportation. Once your ride a bike like this you never ride the NYC transit again. Come check it out! 1000 watts of power @48volts will take you 30mph for 30 miles on one charge no problem Features : Cruise Control , Rock Shox full suspension, shimano gears, front and rear disk brakes, topeak defender2 fenders, Led Headlight and rear Flasher everything is brand new ready to roll. more info upon request. Please feel free to email with any ?s Building more bikes as we speak. Thanks for looking!~ electric bike~electric bicycle

Yes, it's a Bikesdirect dual-suspension mountain bike with an electric motor on it, and yes, "it bad ass NYC transportation." Obviously this bike boasts many fine features, but the standout is the "cruise control" which is what's going to allow you to plow through snowdrifts and throngs of pedestrians in crosswalks like a speeding subway train through a gigantic Portland Cream from Voodoo Doughnuts. From the looks of the picture on the left it even has some sort of rear rack-mounted missile launcher, and it's certainly not a bike for the sorts of dainty people who use pain-relieving unguents, as in this ad that was forwarded to me by a reader:

Amazingly, this ad has actually been running in recent print editions of VeloNews, and is not a relic from some defunct periodical from the previous century as the rider depicted in it might suggest:

Clearly, the marketing department at Perform Pain Reliever have made a bold and daring choice by foregoing the typical model astride a "cutting-edge" bicycle featuring the usual crabon fribé frippery and instead choosing a time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, and for this we should applaud them--even if the typical VeloNews reader is probably soiling his Assos bib shorts in horror.

Speaking of crabon, it would seem as though professional cyclocrossing person Joachim Parbo recently fell for the old "let me see your bike real quick" flim-flam:

Fortunately, the bike was recovered, though it did sustain some damage:

The white Leopard letters on the prototype frame had been scraped off. The same happened to the stickers on the Zipp wheels. Unfortunately the Zipp rear wheel had 2 spokes ripped out from what looked like a nasty chain suck between the spokes and the cassette. The SRAM deraileur was also bent.

Clearly the thief was in the process of replacing the logos on the wheels with the message "All You Haters Suck My Balls," and the bent rear derailleur is a telltale sign that he was also attempting a hasty fixed-gear conversion. As for the broken spokes, since the wheels were Zipps, that falls under the category of ordinary wear and tear.

In any case, had the bicycle not been recovered, it probably would have ultimately met some horrible fate as a polo bike, which for a racing bicycle is the equivalent of forced prostitution. Speaking of bike polo, another reader informs me that there is currently a raging controversy surrounding an unfortunate poloist who received some unwanted "hot head:"

Evidently, as is common among children in playgrounds, there was an argument over who was allowed to play and hitting (and, in this case, beverage-hurling) ensued:

So this past friday new years eve 2010 we here in Lexington played some last of the year polo and had a great day. That was until Jared or "the great zombo" on the internet, got mad that he did not get thrown into a game and threw a full, just opened four loko at me hitting me in the FACE! As I walked up to him to ask him what the hell his problem was with my hands down, he sucker punches me in the side of the face. At this point I was in shock that a "friend" was willing to get so mad that he did not get into a game. So the third and final punch he threw at me I turned at the last min and took it to the ear. I was pissed!!! I walked up to him being held back by 2 of the 20 witness's and he head butts me breaking my nose. Keep in mind I NEVER threw a punch I did not raise my hands like I was even going to, and the only thing I did was jokingly throw his mallet over the fence 10 feet away. Not knowing how mad he really was!?!? HAPPY FUCKIN NEW YEAR

What should happen when it's gone to far? Legal?

I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly decry this craven act of violence, and Jared (otherwise known as "The Great Zombo", apparently) should be ashamed of himself--even more than the ordinary amount of shame one should feel for playing bike polo at all, which is saying a lot. Everybody knows that there's an unwritten law among the heavily tattooed hipsters who do things like ride track bikes without brakes on the street, participate in alleycats and play bike polo, and it is this: "We're supposed to look tough, not be tough!" Once somebody betrays this implicit understanding by actually striking a blow, the entire image falls apart, and that can't be allowed to happen. It's the same as the nuclear balance of power, wherein human survival depends on a bunch of countries being allowed to have nuclear weapons without ever actually launching them. As far as what should happen to "The Great Zombo," his actions impart on him the status of a rogue state like North Korea, so I'd recommend starting with sanctions (no access to the local track bike boutique, food co-op, or art school educated tattoo artist), gauge the effectiveness of these sanctions, and go from there.

Also, it should go without saying that he should not be allowed to play polo on a cargo bike:

Though arguably nobody should be allowed to play polo on a cargo bike. Cargo bikes are for stuff-portaging, flying, brewing coffee, and killing.