BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz! (And Also I'm Going on Hiatus!)

Firstingly, I should mention that, as of today, I will be taking a short leave of absence from this blog, but I will return on Tuesday, April 26th with regular updates. As for what I will actually be doing during this leave of absence, I don't want to say that I will not be on an exotic endangered species hunting trip with Ted Nugent, but I will not be on an exotic endangered species hunting trip with Ted Nugent. In the meantime, if I have any important news to relay (such as, "Awesome! Just bagged a Black Rhino!") I will do so by means of my Twittering account.

Secontly, as you may know, last night was the premiere of the much-anticipated Travel Channel show about people who make deliveries by bicycle, "Triple Rush:"

I must admit that I was dreading this--mostly because, given the bicycle backlash here in New York City, I figured the last thing we needed was for a show about how crazy messengers are to fart on the flames of everybody's apparent hatred for anybody on a bike. However, while it did contain some genuinely cringe-inducing riding, overall I thought the show was pretty good, and it was certainly about a thousand times smarter than your typical fixie hillbombing video or Internet messenger "documentary." Anyway, I three-quarter-heartedly recommend it.

Thirdally, I'm very pleased to announce that today something amazing happened. Yes, after weeks and weeks, the moment I've been waiting for finally arrived. Some days I thought for sure it was going to happen and it didn't, while other days the entire enterprise seemed futile. But now all of that is in the past, and nothing can change the fact that I have officially attained my hard-won goal:

I finally ran out of olive oil.

Why am I so happy I ran out of olive oil? I'll tell you why. Because that meant I could finally crack open my giant can of genuine Andy Hampsten-imported Extra Virgin Olive Oil:

Note that I've included both a pair of Fred-tastic Oakley M-Frames and a bag of my own coffee blend for scale. As you can see, that's one "epic" can of oil. The first thing I did upon opening the can was hoist it to my lips and take a mighty slug from it, and as that sublimely viscous liquid dribbled from my chin and down the front of my "Star Wars" pajamas, I knew right away that this was the best olive oil I'd ever tasted. I'm no olive oil "noob," either--I'm used to the good stuff. In fact, before this I was using an exotic olive oil from a region in Italy called "Canola," and compared to Hampsten's stuff that Canola crap doesn't even taste like olive oil at all.

Finerly, speaking of the New York City bicycle backlash, this morning I was watching Pat Kiernan on NY1, who mentioned the following story about a woman who received a ticket from the NYPD for carrying a tote bag on her handlebars:

Amazing. If there was any remaining question that New York City is officially striving to become the most bicycle-unfriendly city in America and thus transform itself into the bizarro Portland, this should lay it to rest once and for all.

And with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see an "epic old man."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I look forward to seeing you again when I return on Tuesday, April 26th.

--BSNYC/RTMS

("Keeps out the alpha rays, Max. You don't get old.")

1) Which is not an actual quote from the comments section of fashion blogger The Situationalist's post about bike locks as fashion accessory?

--"I think designers should create some fashion specifically for

messengers on wheels. Ralph Lauren's line could be named the 'Polo Express'"

--"...in the girl's bike you can notice a small piece of paper in the front wheel it's a sort of a ticket you get when you go to alleycats, semi-secret races for fixed fanatics"

--"Bike messengers are the few authentically fierce individuals still roaming our city streets..."

--"I was trapped in an elevator for 17 seconds with a bike messenger once and I almost passed out."

2) Politician Charlie Crist recently apologized to David Byrne for suggesting that Byrne owns a car.

--True

--False

(The guilt is written all over his face.)

3) Where did the "first-ever cycle crime" take place?

--Williamsburg, Brooklyn

--Portland, OR

--Paris, France

--Glasgow, Scotland

4) Folding bicycle manufacturer Brompton is "dropping" a William and Kate royal wedding "collabo" bike.

--True

--False

5) Thanks to the "VelEau," you can now drink from your:

--Saddlebag

--Jersey pocket

--Messenger bag

--Helmet-mounted bottle cage

6) Finally! It's a:

--Saddlebag you can drink from
--"Filth prophylactic" you can sit on
--Saddle you can eat out of

--Wearable u-lock

7) Really?

--Yes

--No

(Via Cycling Inquisition)

***Special Reader-Forwarded Extraordinarily Phallic Aerobar-Themed Bonus Question***

Really?

--Yes
--No

Safety First, Cyclists Second: All You Riders Feel My Backlash

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned fashion bloggist The Sartorialer, I continue to marvel over the notion that he thinks people should start wearing bicycle locks around their waists.

This is ludicrous for any number of reason, though primarily because the average feeble fashionista would be unable to lift a Kryptonite chain lock, much less walk (or sashay) while wearing one. At best, the fashion world would be laid low by a rash of hip and lower back injuries, and at worst some of the industry's brightest stars would be drowned in unfortunate Hamptons pool party mishaps as their heavy metal accessories consigned them to watery graves in Davy Jones's chlorinate, kidney-shaped locker. I'd hate to be the pool cleaner who had to deal with that scene come Monday morning.

Still, I found myself quite taken by The Stentorianist's comments section. In fact, like a bike lock-clad fashionista on the bottom of a swimming pool, I was unable to tear myself away. This is mostly because I was amazed that many of the commenters seemed like the sorts of people who put Hello Kitty stickers next to their signatures on important documents, but also because apparently the bike chain thing has been done before:

chanel did the biker chain look in 1992.
Model Kristen Mcmenamy on the cover of italian vogue may 1992...complete with an oversize chain belt..
Chanel mixed up a few looks at that time..mixing biker with rapper..and the heavy chains were all part of that.

But the angularity of the biker chain in the first photo ( which reminds me of the necklace Michael Kors sent down the runway..2 years ago) would be a nice update and a retrospective at the same time.

So evidently Chanel didn't think the bike chain look was dumb enough on its own and wisely threw some "rapper" in there for good measure. I'm really kicking myself for missing the messenger/rapper craze, it sounds like it must have been sublimely idiotic. (Incidentally, speaking of "Haute Karlizing," there is indeed a rapper named "Hot Karl.")

I also noticed this post:
Which prompted the following comment:

Just lovely, but she's asking for a brain injury if she's riding without a helmet.

Oh please. Can't a woman in designer clothes who's attractive in a plastic mannequin sort of way even sit on a bike in this country without putting a styrofoam bucket on her head? These are the sorts of people who watch pornography and say, "Very sexy, but they're asking for some nasty chafing if they're planning on having sex without any pubic hair." Anyway, she's clearly a "Beautiful Godzilla," and everybody knows bad things never, ever happen to them.

By the way, The Sartorialist should not be confused with The Stentorian, which is a Bangladeshi metal band:

I think the Bangladeshi heavy metal look is just begging to be Karlized. Just lovely, but they're just asking for brain injury if they're headbanging without a helmet.

Speaking of the dangers of cycling, on Tuesday I mentioned that a member of parliament is proposing a "Dangerous and Reckless Cycling Bill" in the United Britain of Great England, and another reader has since forwarded me this article, which indicates that the British may hate bicycles almost as much as Americans do:

Indeed, on both sides of the Atlantic it would appear that the latest "bike boom" is boomeranging on us like a "hot carl" that has missed its mark. (Once a "hot carl" gets momentum it can be difficult to stop, and the sock can sort of come around, swing underneath your armpit, and "whap" you right in the back of the head.) Also, the article included an account of what may be the "first-ever cycle crime:"

This is a tragic story, and I imagine the exuberant Macmillan setting out on his new invention, only to knock down a little girl. Presumably he then consigned his shameful contraption to the shed and lived out the remainder of his days in ignominy. His only solace must have been that 1842 newpaper report, in which the writer describes his bicycle as "ingenious" even though he coldcocked a child with it. "I don't know what just hit that kid," bystanders must have remarked, "but whatever it was it was awesome."

Sadly, today pedestrain/cyclist encounters are still fraught with tension:

You shouted "BIKE LANE!"while jaywalking w/ur kids - 35 (Gramercy)
Date: 2011-04-12, 8:57AM EDT

To the guy who shouted "bike lane! BIKE LANE!" at me while jaywalking w/his kids on 22nd street and 1st ave at 8:35am this morning:

Sir, with all due respect, did you see the bike lane? There was a 50-foot Amstel Light truck parked in it. I was avoiding that truck—which is my right—and then trying to avoid you and your children as you strolled into the street against the light with a cluster of unwitting pedestrians. Now I understand there's some backlash against cyclists, so the degree to which you're a mindless mouthpiece for our fossil-fuel dependent culture can't be held against you, but next time you shout advice at someone in the street, you should make sure you're obeying the law first.

And sorry I yelled "fuck you," but you kinda deserved it.

Now that's some smugness.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, another rider apparently crashed into some Starbucks:

Bike / Starbucks collision - m4w - 27 (Midtown West)
Date: 2011-04-11, 8:12PM EDT

It was the Americas Avenue (6thAve). Wish I got yur contact info to follow up, I think you hurt your hand but you said you were ok. Are you? Contact me, what a smash! sorry again for the mess.:/
J.S.

"There was steamed milk everywhere!," recounted one horrified witness. Fortunately, I hear Starbucks has a generous crash replacement program, so hopefully the victim has been made whole again.

Alas, it would seem that even in the bike-friendly Netherlands acrimony is the order of the day, for apparently disgruntled Dutchmen have strewn tacks all over the Amstel Gold Race parcours ("parcours" is pretentious for "course"):

Years ago, someone was actually doing this very same thing in Central Park, and many a frustrated roadie was forced to extricate thumbtacks from his expensive color-matched Vittorias. Eventually, though, the thumb-tacking bandit tired of his exploits and cyclists were once again able to ride around and around the park unmolested, but evidently the NYPD have now stepped in to take up the slack.

Certainly though none of this is to say that cyclists shouldn't be careful, and to that end many readers have forwarded me these "9 Tips for Beginner Cyclists," which features the likeness of the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, who is universally acknowledged and respected as a stamp of legitimacy on cycling content:

Sadly, these tips are hopelessly unhip. Use your gears?!? Try telling that to "Generation Fixie!" They make their own rules (and then conform to them mindlessly). After all, if Generation Fixie used gears then we wouldn't have pointless videos like this one, which I saw on another fashion blog called "Prolly is not Probably:"

What Can I Do? from Rayyiu Radzi on Vimeo.

If you're wondering why this video even exists, it's because if a hipster so much as touches a bicycle anywhere in the world then it must be filmed. "For Immediate Release! Hipster Rides Through Tunnel!" However, if he enjoys riding "fast," he might want to rethink that upright position:

He looks like he should be inflating a tire, not riding a race bike. Plus, people tend to gradually relax their positions as they get older, which means that by the time this rider is 30 he'll be riding a fixed-gear recumbent. In the meantime, if he wants to be both comfy and speedy, he should get himself a "RoundTail," of which I was informed by Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market:

Finally, the next generation gets its very own Y-Foil.

Meh-ster of Puppets: Trendspotting

("Give me a C, a bouncy C.")

Even though I recently moved my consciousness to Portland I often fantasize about moving my body someplace else, too. That someplace else would probably not be Portland, only because if I was going to drag my body all the way across the country I'd probably want to finally deposit it in some area where it wouldn't get rained on all the time. (In this sense moving from New York to Portland seems like moving your keepsakes from your drafty attic to your flood-prone basement.) Also, moving your actual physical person is a big decision, and like any there are pros and cons:

Pros of Leaving New York

--Better riding

--Better weather

--Better people

--Better everything

Cons of Leaving New York

--Learning a different set of TV channels

--?

Also, if I were to move I'd probably miss the endless procession of celebrities. See, to those of you who live in cultural backwaters, celebrities are larger-than-life people you only get to experience in movies and on the glossy pages of magazines. Here in New York, though, we rub elbows and sometimes even crotches with them on a daily basis. Not only do I live right next-door to the distant relative of one of the seventeen dogs who played Benji, but just the other day I stepped outside for my daily allotment of Brooklyn-style misery only to spy the four sweetest words in the English language. Those words, of course, are as follows:

1) Comedy

2) Ventriloquist

3) For

4) Hire

I shouldn't have to tell fellow fans of the age-old art of telling jokes while being elbow-deep in a puppet's posterior that this was indeed the vehicle of celebrity ventriloquist Kenny Warren:

If I were to leave New York, I would miss thrills like this deeply, and there's no telling what dreadful assortment of c-list ventriloquists I would be forced to interact with elsewhere.

The other option would be to move and then take both matters and puppets into my own hands by becoming a ventriloquist myself, and my first step would be to engage Craig Calfee to build me a handmade bamboo dummy. Soon, dummy fabrication would become the new framebuilding, and in a few years' time I'm sure there would be a North American Handmade Dummy Show, complete with a Don Walker-esque promoter whose schtick would involve having constant arguments with his little "mini-me" doppelgänger.

Eventually, the whole "ventro" scene would "jump the shark" with the advent of fixed-gear ventriloquism, in which the dummy never, ever stops speaking (it's a Zen thing, it's like you're one with the puppet), and before you knew it throwing your voice would become the new trackstand.

Speaking of new trends, yesterday I mentioned that bike lock you wear like a belt, and subsequently many people have informed me that fashion blogger The Senatorialist or whatever he's called has identified the waist-borne bike lock as being ripe for haute couture appropriation by Karl Lagerfeld (or, as one very astute reader put it in a turn of phrase for which I cannot take credit, "Haute Karlizing"):

Whenever I see these bike messengers with their big bike chain wrapped around their waist I always think about Karl and Chanel. I keep waiting for the day I see Chanel models racing down the runway sporting heavy chain belts with leather threaded through - a thicker version of a Chanel bag's chain. This messenger's look is just begging to be Karlized.

The rider pictured is of course local messenger, bike racer, and Red Hook Criterium winner Daniel Chabanov, and as you can see his ventriloquist dummy is stowed neatly in his backpack. By the way, in addition to bike locks, The Sensationalist evidently thinks radiation suits are also poised to come back in a big way:

There's something perverse about divorcing certain items from their context and then turning them into fashion accessories, especially when you consider the reasons people use these items in the first place. For example, no cyclist wants to carry a gigantic chain, it's just that we're forced to because if we don't then our bikes will get stolen. I wonder if The Stenographer experiences moments of similar inspiration in situations like this:

I can just imagine the post:

Whenever I see these bike commuters being stuffed into squad cars with those big handcuffs around their wrists, I always think about Karl and Chanel. I keep waiting for the day I see Chanel models racing down the runway sporting heavy chain bracelets with leather threaded through - a thicker version of a Chanel bag's chain - rendering them almost completely immobile as they are beaten by shirtless police officers in hot pants. The innocent victim's look is just begging to be Karlized, I think the bicycle crackdown is simply fabulous from a prêt-à-porter perspective.

Speaking of New York's increasingly surreal bicycle unfriendliness, a commenter on yesterday's post said:

alaskavetusmc said...

Think NYC hates cyclists, check out how much the State of Alaska hates them:

and then linked to the following article:

Well, as they say in the fashion world, "Yeah, as if. In New York City, ghost bike removal is like sooo 2010."

When it comes to baiting cyclists, no city is more fashion forward than New York.

Meanwhile, musician, bicycle advocate, and Aerospoke tester David Byrne recently settled a lawsuit with some politician who stupidly stole his song, and has part of the settlement the politician had to apologize to Byrne on YouTube:

I greatly enjoyed this, though it would have been even better if Byrne had also forced the politician to include the standard Byrne disclaimer:

I also sort of wish he'd delivered it in the manner of a ventriloquist:

Either way, a victory for David Byrne is a victory for cycling--inasmuch as David Byrne is cycling, at least as far as our local advocates are concerned.

Anyway, as a huge fan of the video apology genre of filmmaking, I'd also very much like to see one for what could be the most offensive eBay bicycle auction in the history of retrogrouchery:

A reader alerted me to this auction, and while it has now ended the item description included the following:

I BELIEVE THIS BIKE WILL INCREASE IN VALUE AS TIME PASSES. ESPECIALLY SINCE JAPAN HAS BEEN DEVASTATED BY THE EARTHQUAKE/TSUNAMI.

Wow. So while the the world watched in horror, evidently this guy was thinking to himself, "This is great, my Bridgestone's going to be worth a fortune now!" The sheer tastelessness of the statement aside, I don't even understand the logic.

He must be the Gilbert Gottfried of retrogrouches.

For Immediate Release: My Saddlebag Runneth Over

In the world of cycling, you're only as good as your last component upgrade. Even so, sometimes I forget that the real job of a cycling blogger is to keep riders apprised of products they can buy. I remembered this with a start today as I checked my email and found what we in the cycling blogging industry call a "Press Release."

"For Immediate Release," demanded the press release.

My stomach dropped like a bad "collabo." How long had I been sitting on this thing? One day? Two? A company had urgent product-related news that they had to make public and here I was letting them down! Keeping a press release languishing in your inbox is like caging a wild bird that just wants to fly, fly, fly! I'd have tendered my resignation right then if only I'd had a boss, and I'd have torn up my paycheck if only anybody actually paid me for this crap.

But then I remembered the old saying: "When life gives you lemons, rent a storefront in the trendy part of town and make artisanally squeezed lemonade at $14 a glass." Granted, that saying doesn't really apply here, but it did make me realize that perhaps it wasn't too late and that perhaps I still had time to redeem myself. After all, "Better laid than never," as the other saying goes. So I resolved to release this release with all the fanfare and flambullience of the start of a thoroughbred horse race.

So here it is. A product you'll want to buy. Nay, a product you must buy. A product without which your very life will be incomplete, to say nothing of your bicycle. Ladies, gentleman, the ambiguously sexed, and progressive Portlanders who eschew traditional gender roles and instead self-identify as angiosperms: It gives me great pleasure to present to you...

THE SADDLEBAG YOU CAN DRINK FROM!!!

Have you ever looked at your saddlebag and thought, "Boy am I ever thirsty. I wish I could drink from that." Well now you can, thanks to the VelEau from Showers Pass:

It's like a "butt rocket" and a CamelBak all in one!

It's also dork-tastically convenient, thanks to the "hookah"-like interface:


So what "problem" does the VelEau solve? Well, according to the press release:

The VelEau also solves the dangerous issue of reaching for a water bottle while riding, particularly when in a paceline or hammering in a racing peloton.

Wow. If you can't reach for a water bottle while you're riding in a paceline, then perhaps you shouldn't be riding in a paceline. And as far as using the VelEau while "hammering in a racing peloton," I'm not sure I'd want a heavy, pendulous saddle scrotum bulging with tools and fluids in that situation.

It does look rather elegant on a road bike, though:

(It's a hydration system with a bike attached.)

Actually, it looks a lot like the latest Dura Ace group, which I "scooped" back in 2008:

Hopefully someone will take this whole hydration concept to the next level and design an integrated saddle/bladder system. Brooks could even make a version for retrogrouches, complete with a proprietary modular leather wineskin.

Speaking of safety, if the Hookah-Tastic Saddle Bag Bladder-O-Matic isn't safe enough for you, a reader tells me you can also buy a bicycle lock specifically designed to be worn around the waist:

Cyclists can transport their locks in a variety of ways while they're riding, but most approaches involve inherent disadvantages for safety, flexibility or style. The Hiplok, on the other hand, is a brand-new alternative from UK-based Plus 8 Industries that can be simply worn around the waist when it's not being used.

Yes, can you believe there are cyclists out there who are transporting their locks inside their bags or by means of small brackets attached to their frames? It's like they've got some sort of death wish! And that's saying nothing of the obvious "style" disadvantages. However, putting your lock around your waist is the very pinnacle of style. I can't wait until Hiplok takes the concept of lock-as-fashion-accessory even further and offers smaller versions that you can wear around your head like Olivia Newton-John:

Though I suppose there is a fashion precedent for it:

But while drinking from your saddlebag and keeping your lock around your waist are apparently both very safe, a reader tells me that riding a BMX bike can be unsafe if you're a "Celebrity DJ:"

Perhaps the crash could have been avoided if Ms. Ronson had been sipping from some sort of butt pouch at the time. Either way, I hate to see anybody get hurt, but I also hate to see anybody dismissing cycling as something for children:

'Let this be a lesson,' she wrote. ' If you have a driver's licence you probably don't need to be on a bmx bike.'

Right, great lesson. Also, if you're over 30, you probably don't need to be playing other people's music at parties for a living either.

Speaking of traffic safety, I recently came across a study of cycling in large sub-Canadian cities while browsing the Twitters and it just happened to contain the most succinct description of the sorry state of New York City cycling that I've ever read:

New York is a special case. Not only is New York by far the largest of the case study cities, but it has the most mixed record on cycling policies and accomplishments. Although cycling has almost doubled in New York City since 1990, it lags far behind the other case study cities in almost every respect. It has the lowest bike share of commuters, the highest cyclist fatality and injury rate, and the lowest rate of cycling by women, children, and seniors. New York has built the most bikeways since 2000 and has been especially innovative in its use of cycle tracks, buffered bike lanes, bike traffic signals, bike boxes, and sharrowed streets. Yet New York has almost completely failed in the important areas of bike-transit integration and cyclist rights and falls far short on bike parking and cycling training. Moreover, the refusal of New York's police to protect bike lanes from blockage by motor vehicles has compromised cyclist safety. New York has much to learn from the other case study cities, which have implemented a far more comprehensive, integrated package of mutually reinforcing policies to promote cycling.

A-freaking-meh.

Meanwhile, in other smugness news, yet another reader tells me London has its own problems, with a politician looking to propose a new "Dangerous and Reckless Cycling Bill:"

Looks like Britain has the same problem as America, which is this:

We're just not killing enough people.

Therefore, it's only natural that provisions should be in place just in case one of us steps out of our socially accepted role of "victim."

None of this to say is that North America doesn't have its share of cycling amenities. In fact, up in America's toupee still another reader tells me that Vancouver is getting the World's Greatest Bike Polo Court:


“You will have people drive from Portland and Calgary when this place opens just to play here on opening weekend,” Lisa Moffatt, a member of the group East Van Bike Polo, told the Straight in an interview on the court.

I'm glad to see poloists are now getting in line with roadies and mountain bikers and cyclocross racers and triathletes and the rest of cycledom, loading their custom bikes onto cars and traveling to events. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that, but I kind of hoped polo would be the one that just stayed crappy. Alas, I guess not. If anything, when these people reach retirement age we might start seeing bike polo facilities at country clubs and all-inclusive resorts. Sometimes I think the only cyclist clinging to a frugal cycling lifestyle is the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, but a number of people have recently informed me that even he is now hawking high-end training equipment in SkyMall:

Maximize your fitness data!

Cyclists can now accurately record speed and heart rate wherever they are! New Fisica Sensor technology allows uploading data to a computer for analysis.

Our Fitness Bike Pack includes a Fitness Sensor Case with built in Sensor Key (connects to iPhone 3G, 3GS, & 4, but not iPod Touch,) a Heart Rate Belt and bicycle Speed/Cadence Sensor.

Sensor Case fits on handle bars and easily adapts to recumbent bikes.

The Speed/Cadence Sensor mounts near the crank and rear wheel spoke.

All mounting hardware is included.

Notice how they just slipped that bit about the recumbent bikes in there. It's no doubt a subliminal message, for when you're sitting bolt-upright in an uncomfortable airplane seat and you read the phrase "easily adapts to recumbent bikes" you can't help fantasizing about reclining comfortably.

Sure, by the time you land you've come to your senses, but by then it's too late and the seed has been planted.

You will easily adapt to the recumbent bike... You will easily adapt to the recumbent bike...

The Slow Lane: Smugness by the Shedload

As I mentioned on Friday, this past weekend I traveled to whatever that country in Europe is in order to compete in the 417th running of the Paris-Roubaix road race. Also known as the l'enfant du Nord, Paris-Roubaix is famous for its giant cobblesones (or "pavé," which is pronounced "LAY-oh-pard Trek") which rain from the sky bringing death and destruction and crushing the hopes and dreams of all who taunt their skull-crushing power. Also, there's cake, and at the end they have a big naked shower party. (Legend has it that hirsute Classics specialist Peter Van Petegem once clogged the drains so badly with his body hair that the Roubaix vélodrome was flooded for weeks afterwards, during which time the local children simply used it as a community swimming pool.)

Alas, I'm sorry to report that I failed to win Paris-Roubaix this year due to a mechanical (my bolo tie got caught in my drivetrain at a crucial moment again), which allowed Garmin-Cervelo rider Johan Van Summeren to ride away from me and take the victory. Then, in a touching moment, he proposed marriage to his girlfriend:

Sadly she kicked him in the "pants yabbies" and told him to go "eff" himself, but at least he'll always have his Paris-Roubaix novelty trophy. Team director Jonathan Vaughters, for his part, was up to his ascot in smugness, and he celebrated by having an uncharacteristically raucous celebratory tea party with both of his sideburns.

Meanwhile, in addition to missing the decisive move in Paris-Roubaix because I was being strangled by my tie, I'm also almost exactly three months late in mentioning that the good people at Vecchio's Bicicletteria in Boulder, CO have a new three month-old website:

I've never actually been to Vecchio's (only because I've never been to Boulder) but as an erstwhile reader of the rec.bicycles.tech newsgroup I've long fantasized about producing a "Firing Line"-esque TV show about wheelbuilding and owner/patriarch Peter Chisholm would easily be my top choice to play the William F. Buckley, Jr. role if Jobst Brandt were not available. Anyway, visit the website, or better yet the shop--or, just do what minimalists do and stand around in the shop while browsing the website on your iPad.

In any case, while I was off humiliating myself on the cobbled roads of northern whatever-that-country-is, I missed The Prospect Park West Bike Lane Smug-In, though thanks to Streetsfilms I feel like I was there (minus the all-consuming sense of self-satisfaction):

Prospect Park West Family Bike Ride/We Ride the Lanes from Streetfilms on Vimeo.

I very much regret having missed this ride, partially because I support this bike lane, but mostly because it consisted of a bunch of total slowpokes so I would have totally "thrown down" and "Cat 6"-ed the hell out of everybody:

As any seasoned competitive commuter or charity ride menace can see, the move here is to rocket up the left side. Then, when you encounter the riders heading in the other direction, you just hop the curb, hit those cobbles, and "Whap!" with your elbow any orange-shirted smugness marshalls foolish enough to get in your way:

I'd have been at the Connecticut Muffin in Windsor Terrace before half those smugmongers were even finished zipping up their DayGlo windbreakers. Amateurs. (By which I mean amateur amateurs. A "Cat 6" racer is, of course, a pro amateur.) I mean, seriously, who would have challenged me? A bunch of smuggies on "bake feets?"

I don't think so.

Besides missing an opportunity for victory, it looks like as the participants passed each other they also missed a perfect setup for a truly "epic" high five train:

I was also tremendously disappointed by the safety-minded chanting and general air of positivity:

I kind of hoped that they'd go with something more confrontational, like "All You Stevens Spirn My Balls:"

("My balls have been spurned for years, now see how you like it.")

Anyway, last I checked, this was America (Canada's wobbly step stool), and the only thing Americans respect less than yielding is Canadians. Did cars take control of the streets by yielding to pedestrians? No they did not--they did it by killing them indiscriminately and in huge numbers. Maybe instead of emphasizing the whole "safe, clean, and healthy" thing cyclists should just start threatening to crush all opposition beneath our wheels, and to pile their lifeless bodies into the boxy wheelbarrow parts our "bake feets." Americans have no interest in surrendering even an inch of their streets to any vehicle that isn't deadly, but I bet if bicycles killed hundreds of people last year instead of like nobody that they'd be giving us bike lanes twice as wide. Maybe if we ratchet up that death toll we'll have our very own infrastructure faster than you can say, "Yay, smugness!"

("Yay, smugness!")

But how many victims is enough? Perhaps a "shed-load" will do it. As it happens, a reader tells me that the "shed culture" and the "bike culture" have finally come together, and that the bicycle industry has finally embraced the shed as a unit of measurement:

The pedal body is 63mm wide, which is exactly the same width as Look Keo Carbon Blades (£274.99 with titanium axle, £179.99 with cro-mo axle), so you get a shed-load of stability.

So, to recap:

--To measure frame weight, you use either milk or babies;

--To measure spoke strength, you use diminutive Frenchmen (or DFUs);

--To measure road hazards, you use sunglasses;

--To measure smugness, you use a complex formula which yields the "smugness quotient;"

--To measure pedal stability you use sheds.

As of now I'm still unclear on how much a "shed-load is" (to say nothing as to whether or not DFUs can be converted into shed-loads), but I'm guessing that, since this is a Dura-Ace pedal, it's even more than a "shitload" (Ultegra) and maybe twice as much as a "buttload" (105).

That's definitely a worthwhile upgrade.