Disinformation: It's Not How Wrong You Are, It's How Wrong You Feel

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned the New York Times article about randodonearing radodaneuring riding really far, a number of readers were kind enough to point out that I made an error:

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I'm misreading either the NY Times article or your blog. I thought the NY Times writer turned arouind at mile 37 and finished the 74 mile (120 kilometer) ride. You seem to be saying the writer quit.

JUNE 6, 2011 4:11 PM

Indeed it looks like I did read the article wrong, though at least one reader was unduly smug about it:

Anonymous said...

Seconding the previous commenter who pointed out that you, um, didn't actually read or understand the NYT piece. Too proud to acknowledge your mistake?

June 6, 2011 9:53 PM

I can't stress enough that I have no pride whatsoever, and I readily acknowledge that I make mistakes on a daily (if not hourly) basis. These mistakes are not limited to cycling or reading comprehension either, and scarcely a day goes by in which I don't do something stupid such as brewing coffee without actually adding the coffee, or washing my bathtub with coffee instead of Ajax. Sure, it's foolish, but these are the sorts of mistakes you make when you're under the considerable stress of not really having all that much stress in your life.

Plus, in my defense, I was merely showing the "Spokes" people the same lack of consideration and circumspection they've shown me in the past.

Still, I agree a tearful apology is warranted, so here goes:

I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friends, my supporters, and the media. I am deeply ashamed, etc. I don't believe that I did anything here that violates any law or violates my oath, yadayadayada. However, I do maintain that I was merely shaving my chest brushing my teeth when my BlackBerry accidentally snapped this picture and Tweeted it to certain members of my constituency:

Speaking of nudity and criticism, I was also taken to task yesterday for not mentioning the World Naked Bike Ride:

Mellow Yellow said...

how dare you not mention the naked ride of epic smugness, wetness, and triple rushing!

5pm East River Park at Delancey June 11

JUNE 6, 2011 11:32 AM

For this I do not apologize. Not only have I indeed mentioned the World Naked Bike Ride recently, but I also think it's totally "grody." In fact, I think it's so grody that I'm going to Sweden this coming weekend mostly so I won't have to bear witness to the body-painted denizens of smugness who will no doubt put our cycling goodwill account in New York City even further into the red. If everybody already hates us and tries to run us down when we're fully dressed, then nudity can only hurt. If exposing yourself were a good political move, they'd be talking about Anthony Weiner for President right now instead of debating whether or not he should resign.

Then again, even cycling while fully clothed can cause you to run afoul of people's uptight sensibilities. For example, your "muffin top" might enrage the local Hasidim (or any similar group of religious retrogrouches). Or, your fleshtone saddle could evoke a certain body part, as in this photo via the proprietor of the Old Ten Speed Gallery:

Actually, I "can't say with certitude" that it's even a saddle at all:

Anyway, between my inability to read simple New York Times articles and my lack of certitude as to the above rider's genderway, it's obvious that I'm clueless--though maybe not as clueless as the "hillbomber" guy I mentioned some time ago. He actually "curates" something of an advice column, wherein he dispenses misinformation such as this:



hey emi! you're an inspirational rider for me!
i wanted to ask something, what is the different between a clincher and a tubular and what does it affect when we're riding it?

Anonymous

Thank you so much! Tubular wheels are designed for Velodrome Riding and Clinchers are designed for road riding. Tubular tires are also a lot more dangerous to ride if not properly installed. Tubular uses clue for tube tire compo and clinchers use tubes that are separate from the tire. Tubular tires always uses a much higher psi.

Yikes! That is one multifaceted glittering rhinestone of wrong. This guy is to bicycle tires as Sarah Palin is to Paul Revere. Pretty much every sentence is misinformed:

Thank you so much! Tubular wheels are designed for Velodrome Riding and Clinchers are designed for road riding.

Right. Similarly, blue helmets are designed for velodrome riding, and white helmets are designed for road riding.

Tubular tires are also a lot more dangerous to ride if not properly installed.

Actually, I'd much rather ride an improperly installed tubular than an improperly installed clincher.

Tubular uses clue for tube tire compo and clinchers use tubes that are separate from the tire.

I don't even know what this means, I think he's saying you can compost tubulars.

Tubular tires always uses a much higher psi.

Absolutely. That's why they use tubulars for cyclocross and the cobbled classics.

I think this hillbomber should branch out and start a sex advice column too:

hey emi! you're an inspirational rider for me!

how are babies made?

Anonymous

Thank you so much! Mommy and daddy go in the bedroom and jump up and down on the bed while yelling at God. Daddy comes out with no pants and drinks a beer and nine months later a baby comes out of mommy's butt.

I think that pretty much covers the broad strokes. Maybe then he could also tell me what kind of tires to install on my Segway when I compete in the World Championship of Segway polo in Folsom, CA, of which I was informed by a reader:

Segway polo may seem absurd, but it's no more so than bike polo. After all, Segway poloists play a game fit for schoolchildren on ridiculous contraptions that cost thousands of dollars:

While bike poloists play a game fit for schoolchildren on ridiculous contraptions that cost thousands of dollars:


Plus, both [gigglechortle] "sports" lend themselves well to ironic tattooing:



That chimpanzee on a Segway looks oddly like a rear derailleur.

Anyway, given the similarities between bike polo and Segway polo, it would not surprise me if practitioners of the former begin to segue into the latter as they age. I also suspect a lot of samurai are already making the transition to road cycling, as evidenced by this Craigslist post forwarded by another reader:

Road Bike in trade wanted - $500 (Seattle)
Date: 2011-06-05, 8:04AM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm after a road bike in trade for a Paul Chen Golden Oriole Katana Samurai sword. A $ 700.00 value in like new condition.

Hopefully when he finds his bike he installs some of those samurai sword-like bottle cages.

Personally, I'd like to see a bicycle with a samurai sword cockpit, but short of that this example spotted by Back Alley Bikes might have to suffice:

I'm reasonably sure that's the setup an orangutan would wind up with after a session on a Serotta fit cycle.

Our Job Is Your Job: All You Viewers Save Our Show

As I've mentioned before, I am a devout worshipper of an all-powerful lobster deity, and I adhere to my religion for two reasons:

1) The Almighty Lob provides me with what we Crustaceanists call the "Menu of Life." Provided I follow this moral code, I am guaranteed eternal happiness in the Lobster Tank in the Sky after I die;

and

2) I don't have to pay tax when I dine at Red Lobster because it's my religion and technically I'm "taking communion."

Another selling point for my religion is that there's not much emphasis on saving stuff. Certain types of Christians, for example, make a big deal about "being saved," but according the Menu of Life we Crustaceanists are only required to save three things:

--Money, unless we really want something;

--Drowning puppies and kittens, if it's convenient and the water is over 60 degrees American;

--Our Red Lobster leftovers, which me must burn as an offering.

One thing we definitely don't have to save is TV shows. That's why I'm not lifting a single pereipod to save "Triple Rush," the now-cancelled Travel Channel show about bicycle messengers:

Why is it our problem to save "Triple Rush?" If you ask me (which you're not), this campaign represents everything wrong with America, or Canada's pierced uvula. (Actually, come to think of it, pierced uvulas might actually represent everything wrong with America.) Consider the chain of events:

--The producers made a TV show with minimal cultural value or import beyond simply being entertaining;

--This TV show was then aired on pay TV, despite the fact that its primary audience tends not to pay for TV since they prefer to spend their disposable income on alcohol and Wednesday weed. (This is not a judgment, by the way. According to the Menu of Life there's absolutely no difference between spending money on cable and spending it on intoxicants--and if you can afford it you should do both.)

--Unsurprisingly, the show did not resonate with the monied foodies the Travel Channel likes to tell its sponsors comprise its viewership;

--The show got cancelled, presumably to clear the schedule for a new show called "Rich Douchebags Stuffing Their Faces."

Now the producers have the nerve to ask us to save it? Sure, I found the show mildly entertaining. In fact, I might even have kept watching if they hadn't cancelled it. But they did, and as an American TV viewer my job consists of the following:

--Sit glassy-eyed on the couch and occasionally jab at the remote resting on my snack food-engorged gut when I get bored of what I'm seeing.

That's it. Done, and done. Save "Triple Rush?" Save anything? I don't think so. This "Help us help you watch dumb TV" approach is offensive to me. It's almost like a couple of hipsters asking you for money so they can throw a pool party.

Sure, PBS has a sufficiently high "smugness quotient" that they're entitled to ask us for help every now and again, but that's about it. Anyway, arguably "Triple Rush" was saved when it got booted off the Travel Channel in the first place. With "The Man" off their backs, they can do whatever they want. If the producers really want to produce, and the creators really want to create, and they've actually got something vital to say, they'd find a way to get "Triple Rush" in front of people. They'd project it onto the walls at dive bars; they'd put it on public access; they'd do a live action version in Washington Square Park with mimes. Sure, to their credit they are putting clips on the Internet, but those clips are only making me happy it was cancelled:

Bike Messengers vs Pedestrians from Triple Rush on Vimeo.

"I have three classifications of problem pedestrians," declares this rider:


"You've got your deer in the headlights," he then explains over footage of a rider who runs a red light:


Skids stupidly as he approaches the crosswalk:


And then almost nails somebody:

"You could be a mile away and they see you and freeze," says the rider of these so-called "problem pedestrians," despite the fact that by standing stock-still the pedestrian is actually doing him a favor. What would he prefer when he's blowing through an intersection, a defensive tackle? Has urban cycling really devolved to the point where people can no longer avoid stationary objects?

The next type of pedestrian he complains about is the "moonwalker, you know, who for some reason runs backwards:"

Yes, once again, here's a pedestrian doing something incredibly stupid: attempting to board a bus at a bus stop in a bus lane, and then not even taking the time to turn around so he can get out of the way of the idiot messenger who should know better than to ride on the inside of a bus in a bus lane in front of a bus stop.

Lastly he complains about the "Whack-a-mole:"

Which the producers illustrate by using a clip from a video they pulled off the Internet.

Basically then, messengers resent people who go to extreme lengths to give them the right of way, even though they don't have it. They also don't like being stereotyped:

"Whatever the image people have of messengers that's not how we see ourselves, we take it very seriously:"

Maybe if he doesn't want to be stereotyped he shouldn't talk to the producers of "Triple Rush," because my image of messengers is now that they're a bunch of people who spend a lot of time in slings and have no idea how to ride their bikes. Also, while he has "three classifications of problem pedestrians," I have three classifications of self-entitled hipsters:

1) Hipsters who don't work at all;

2) Hipsters who pretend to work by taking on fake "lifestyle jobs" in major cities;

3) Hipsters who once pretended to work by taking on fake "lifestyle jobs" in major cities but who have since burned out and moved to pretend cities like Portland.

I'd peg the pedestrian hater as a #2 who's well on his way to becoming a #3.

Speaking of Portland, a reader has recently forwarded me this monumentally smug Kickstarter pitch:


As a bit of an amateur smugness enthusiast myself I enjoyed this, though honestly I'm not sure how it qualifies as a sales pitch, since I thought pretty much everyone in Portland had some sort of hand-fabricated bike trailer and either plays or has a child who plays an inconveniently large musical instrument. I also found this image quite thought-provoking:

Obviously using a folding bike for heavy-duty load "portaging" is extra smug and imparts on the portager all sorts of "smugness cred." However, he's also carrying a bike box, and I also believe that "portaging" doesn't count towards your smugness cred if what is portaged is simply more bicycle stuff--and this is true no matter how large the load. Portaging organic groceries or human children is smug, but portaging those new wheels or another bicycle is merely the smugness equivalent of "junk miles." Of course, I have no way of knowing if there's actually a bike in that bike box, but if there is then the load does not count in any way towards his smugness calculation.

The same is also true of recreational riding, which cannot be smug, though it can be "epic." That's why randonneuring is a completely smug-free enterprise, no matter how "epic" it may be, and even though it's finally getting some attention from the New York Times:


Indeed, the reporter even took part in a so-called "brevet," though he fell to pieces after a mere 37 miles:

The Princeton 120 gave just a taste of the experience: By the time I pulled into the first checkpoint, or contrôle, at about 37 miles, where riders got their time cards stamped and a hot bite to eat, my fingers were so stiff I had trouble holding a spoon.

Apparently it was raining, and clearly the reporter subscribes to the non-epic "if it rains take the bus" philosophy. As they say in the randonneuring world, "Brevety is the soul of wet." (Or maybe it's "Wetness is the soul of brevety." Or "Moisture is the essence of wetness." Or something.)

Presumably after filing this report the writer went to cover a wine tasting and proceeded to pass out after having half a glass of merlot.

BSNYC Friday World-Wide Ironic Healing Circle!

The votes are in, the polls are closed, the bribes have been proffered and accepted, and I can now finally declare the winners of the "There Will Be Action Wipes" contest:

Here it is, the symbol that will represent cycling the world over, now and forever:


And here are the runners-up:



Believe it or not I had no idea how obscene that image would be until after I "curated" it. (That's what we bloggers call a "happy accident.")

Anyway, I thinks we did good, and I'm very proud to see this symbol officially enter the Pantheon of Informative Silhouettes:

Of course, the winner will receive not only the wet gift of Action Wipes, but also a Liz Hatch DVD. (Ms. Hatch's moisture status is unknown at this point.) The up-runners will also receive some sort of Action Wipes consolation prize, which I'm guessing will also be Action Wipes, and which they can use to wipe away their tears. I will set about officially notifying both the winners and the sponsor at some point this weekend, just as soon as I get back from trying out my new recumbent sail bike.

I am profoundly relieved to finally get this contest off the desk I don't have in the office that doesn't exist where I do the work I don't do.

Meanwhile, I was browsing Craigslist in search of a jib for my recumbent sail bike when I came across warning of a "Potential Scam Involving Bike Locks:"


Potential Scam Involving Bike Locks (NYC)
Date: 2011-06-02, 4:01PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Yesterday, I almost purchased a bike lock. When I actually saw the lock, it was different from that which was advertised. The seller feigned ignorance.

Nevertheless, I considered purchasing the lock. But, rather than falling victim to what could have been a classic "bait and switch," I decided otherwise.

The purpose of this post is not to accuse the seller of fraud. I will give the seller the benefit of the doubt. Instead, the purpose of this post is to shed light on a potential scam involving bike locks.

Perhaps my career in law enforcement has fostered a heightened sensitivity to scams of all sorts, but, the thought occurred to me that this was more than your classic "bait and switch." And that thought was this: the lock the seller was selling could have been imbedded with some type of "homing device" (whether a GPS sensor or some other gadget) indicating to the seller where the lock is located. From there, the seller could locate the lock and, with the keys to that lock, retrieve the lock (and bicycle) and repeat the process all over again by attempting to resell the lock on craigslist. With the ability to continuously resell the lock and obtain a few bikes in the process, this scam could be very profitable.

Let me be clear. I am not accusing the seller of engaging in this scam. For this reason, I am not identifying the seller. And to reiterate, perhaps its just my own law enforcement background that led me to this conclusion. But, its something to consider when purchasing a used bike lock from someone.

Right, let's consider what's the more likely scenario here:

--An enterprising thief has invested in a GPS and installed it in a bike lock which he intends to sell over and over again. After fielding tons of dumb email queries and dealing with the inevitable Craigslist looky-loos, he finally manages to sell it. Then, he's waiting for this buyer to lock up his or her bike. With a window that could be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, he's then traveling to a location that could be anywhere in the greater metropolitan area and hoping the bike is still there so he can steal it. Somehow, this method is more effective and a better use of his time than just cutting locks or hanging around in front of Gorilla Coffee waiting for some hipster to leave his tarck bike unsecured when he runs in for a quick latte.

Or:

--Like most Craigslist sellers, he did not have to "feign ignorance" as he was actually ignorant, and he had no idea the lock he was selling was any different from the one he pulled off the Internet in order to place the ad.

Personally, my money's on the second one.

Speaking of my money, I don't think I'll be investing any of my dozens of dollars in this "mobile pool party" I just saw on Kickstarter:

Many people say the word "hipster" is beyond overused, but if there's a better word for two people in a bowling alley who want you to give them money so they can pull a crappy homemade pool around Brooklyn with a bicycle then I'd like to know what it is.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're better than everyone else, and if you're wrong you'll see how bicycles are destroying the city of Dublin and indeed the entire world.

Thanks very much for reading and for forwarding delightful items, ride safe, and be sure to incorporate as much action as possible into your wiping.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) If Riccardo Riccò wants a job, he's going to have to:

--Get a haircut

--Shave those sideburns

--Start wearing underpants

--Remove the diamond from his tooth

2) Apparently Shimano Di2 is fantastic, just as long as you don't:

--Get it wet

--Expose it to bright light

--Feed it after midnight

--Attempt to retrofit it to your fixie

(Cyclocross triathlete transitions into the swimming leg.)

3) In cyclocross, cowbells are out and __________ are in.

--Triangles

--Maracas

--Live rock bands

--Cows

4) This is a map of:

--Tickets issued to New York City cyclists during the "crackdown"

--Coffee shops equipped with Japanese slow-drippers, free Wi-Fi, and artisanal axe-sharpening stations

--Checkpoints for the upcoming "Gentrification Alleycat," sponsored by the Corcoran Group

--Fixies stolen in the last 15 minutes

5) Art book publisher Rizzoli will publish an "adult children's book" called "Hipsters: Running, Jumping, Climbing" in September of this year.

--True
--False

6) Your overpriced artisanal axe is incomplete without:

--A $65 can of baked beans with label designed by Paul Smith

--A $430 lumberjack shirt pre-impregnated with the smell of someone who actually works for a living

--A $107 journal in which you can write about what a "woosie" you are

--A $975 prosthetic finger kit

"I asked Warren how he kept the twin babies from not pulling all the books off the shelves or trying to climb the library ladder. He just shrugged it off to the notion of 'that's just what kids do.' Nothing in the home is too precious or fragile to restrict living and enjoying the home to the fullest."

7 )Presumably, "that's just what kids do" also goes for playing with the Best Made axe they use as a table setting.

--True

--False

***Special "Eeew!"-Themed Bonus Question***

This photo may just end up saving New York City's bike lanes.

--True
--False

Civic Matters: Do Your Part, Don't Show It

There was once a time when I was indifferent to bike lanes, and when I rode quickly and aggresively. I was one of the Young and the Restless, the Bold and the Beautiful, and I had little fear of ending up in the General Hospital. Now, however, I live in Another World, and thanks to All My Children (17 at last count) I have a different approach to life. Whereas once I approached hairy situations with a mélange of excitement and eagerness, I now confront them with a meh-lange of reluctance and yiddish expletives.

Sure, I still "race" my bike (in that I will occasionaly pin on a number and sit in for as long as possible before getting dropped), but when it comes to "practical" cycling I derive little pleasure from having to fight for my sliver of road against the putzes and yutzes and schmucks who form the legions of the motor vehicle meshuggeneh. Instead, I prefer to comport myself in a civilized fashion in the bike lane. Moreover, it's these very bike lanes that have allowed me to transform myself from wayward scofflaw to cautious fuddy-duddy.

That's why I was quite upset a few months back when Anthony Weiner, who intends to become my city's next mayor, said he planned to extirpate these bike lanes from our streets like so many dandelions:

“When I become mayor, you know what I’m going to spend my first year doing?” Mr. Weiner said to Mr. Bloomberg, as tablemates listened. “I’m going to have a bunch of ribbon-cuttings tearing out your [expletive] bike lanes.”

By doing so, Weiner would quite literally rob me of one of my life's greatest pleasures, that being uncool and unhurried "family style" cycling. This really hurted my feelings and it made me all mad and stuff. So I can't say I'm dismayed that Weiner is now being grilled about a photograph that appeared in the Yfrog account associated with his Twitter depicting an aroused man in his underpants that he can't say "with certitude" isn't him:


Now it seems like Weiner's mayoral bid could be over before it even begins, and he's having a tough time fielding pointed comments such as this one:

Early evening: Weiner does an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, who asks why the politician "can't say with certitude" whether he is pictured in the photograph.

"You would know if this was your underpants, for example," Blitzer says.

It's tough to slip one by Wolf Blitzer.

By the way, via the Twitter I've learned that Weiner is not alone, and in fact a Canadian politician is also embroiled in a similar scandal. However, his explanations are far more entertaining:

"Sakach first alleged" continued Examiner.com "that the BlackBerry in George Lepp's pocket took a picture of his penis by accident, and after having his mobile device stolen from him without his notice, the assailant then went through the device and uploaded the picture to Twitter after nearly 12 hours had elapsed."

Ah yes, the old accidental BlackBerry pocket penis shot. To quote a cinema classic, "That shit could really happen."

Meanwhile, while Weiner can't say "with certitude" that those weren't his underpants, I can't say "with certitude" that he didn't also post this "missed connection" on Craigslist:

I sniffed your bike seat... - m4w
Date: 2011-05-27, 5:20PM EDT

... after you parked it outside the bar.

You never know--it could be one of those "accidental" pocket-posts.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm being naive and that it's entirely possible we could end up with a far worse mayor, but I can't help taking pleasure in the situation. (Though I am refraining from "accidentally" taking photographs and Tweeting evidence of this pleasure.) Plus, even if politicians don't kill the bike lanes in New York City, the pro-cycling activists certainly will. Gothamist recently posted this video of a Time's Up! volunteer berating a police officer in the bike lane:

I'm as bothered by cars in the bike lane as anybody, but if there's one rule of thumb you should probably follow while cycling in the city it's "Don't annoy the cops." "Passive Resistance" was one thing, but "Active Kveching" is quite another. Plus, in this case the cop is stopped because he's actually in the middle of giving a ticket, which makes this like poking at a lion while he's tearing apart a gazelle. In this case she appears to have gotten away with it, but generally speaking this sort of thing works out about as well for cyclists as taking a picture of your penis and Tweeting it works out for politicians.

Incidentally, Time's Up! is the same organization that brought us (among other protests) the "Polar Bear Ride," so presumably they won't rest until they've turned political and popular opinion in New York City against bicycles once and for all. Be sure to thank them next time someone fails to take you seriously on your bicycle.

Anyway, I find salmon in the bike lane much more bothersome than even the police cars, and at this time of year salmon can actually outnumber regular cyclists by five to one. That's why I was pleased to receive this German anti-salmon PSA from a reader:

Yes, I often find myself asking, "Is there any way we can stop people from salmoning?" Like, perhaps a bunch of Time's Up! volunteers could dress up as salmon and berate them shrilly until they either go the right way or just quit cycling. One question I never ask myself though is if "aero" can get any quicker. But the crabon Fred factories are asking this question, and the answer appears to be "yes:"

Though it will cost you $2,900:

Ready to launch

The Smart Enve System goes on sale in June 2011, led out by the 6.7, which will be priced at £2100/US$2900). The 3.4 will be available around September and the 8.9 by the end of 2011.

I've never managed to figure out how the amateurs who actually pay for wheels like this manage to successfully rationalize their absurd purchases season after season. At a certain point, you'd think they'd realize they just spent almost $3,000 on a pair of wheels yet they still suck just as badly as they did $2,700 ago. Then again, maybe I'm missing the point of amateur bike racing and it's really no longer about winning or losing--instead, it's about whose bike has the best "yaw" data. ("Yaw" is the new "watts.") Maybe in a few years they can finally dispense with the actual "riding" part and Cat 4 races can just consist of the riders sitting in wind tunnels one at a time and then comparing their graphs. At least they're wouldn't be so many crashes.

Speaking of competition, it's time to finally bring the "There Will Be Action Wipes" contest to a close:

Once again, here are the finalists. Study them, feel them, sniff them, and taste them, and then vote below on your favorite. The polling results will decide the final podium. Remember, you're not only choosing the symbol that will represent cycling forevermore, but you're also deciding who will get a bunch of Action Wipes and a Liz Hatch video (otherwise known as the "Cat 5 date night" package):

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

Which symbol shall represent cycling forevermore?

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

or View Results

Create your own poll at Flisti.com

Thanks very much for your vote. You have now fulfilled your civic duty for the next 15 years.

Naked Truth: What's Everybody Got Against Pants All of a Sudden?

In today's fast-paced world of instant gratification, it's all too easy to make hasty decisions. There's already an RU86 "morning after" smart phone app, and I imagine it won't be long before we're electing our Presidents in the same way we "like" or "dislike" things on The Facing Book. This is why it's more important than ever to bring back the art of good old-fashioned artisanal decision "curation" like we used to use "Back in the Day:"

(Dachshund of Time, aka the Wiener Dog of Human History)

See, "Back in the Day" you didn't just push a button to make a decision. Instead, you withdrew from society for a prolonged period of meditation and reflection. For example, let's say you had to decide on which spurious cure to take for your consumption, or which brand of pennyfarthing bicycle to purchase. Well, you took a leave of absence from your vocation, you left your family in the care of a neighbor or relative, you put on your decision-making hair shirt, and you retreated into your local Deciding Cave for anywhere from a few weeks to a decade. Then you'd reemerge. Of course, by the time you came back that bloodletting or high-wheeler was probably obsolete, but that's precisely why the old-timey method of decision-making was so effective. Just think of all the leechings and faceplants people were spared because they took the time to think things through.

Well, yesterday I announced the finalists in the "There Will Be Action Wipes" contest, and in so doing I presented you with a decision as important as any you're likely to face in your lifetime. Therefore, to turn around and ask you to pick a winner a mere 24 hours later would be to do a disservice to you, the contestants, and indeed our entire society. Instead, I am granting you an additional day to reflect, and to aid in this I am presenting you with a visual aid:

As I mentioned when I launched the contest two years ago or whenever it was, what we're doing is creating a simplified international symbol for cycling akin to the little men's room guy. So, what I've done is created five mock-ups, one for each finalist, which depict the symbol as you'd be likely to encounter it out in the real world. Here they are:

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

I'm sure you'll agree that this puts an entirely new spin on each the finalists. In particular, #4 has phallic implications even on its own, so when placed on a minimalist porta-potty it could easily lead a traveler to believe the structure is actually some sort of public "glory hole." You should take this into account when choosing your favorite, though whether it counts as a positive or a negative depends entirely on how you feel about glory holes.

Context, as they say, is everything.

Speaking of the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, a reader informs me that, astoundingly, "Bicycling" magazine (who have now compiled all of my Giro d'Italia blog posts in one handy link, Lob help you) is continuing to use him in their promotional materials:

I don't know if their use of this image means "Bicycling" are totally in touch or completely out of touch, but either way it's indisputable at this point that the TTTSWRFFTPTD is nothing less than a cycling icon.

Also, I got to use him for one of my Giro blogs.

Anyway, until we have a new international symbol to guide us, in many cities across America and elsewhere cycling remains a daunting process of blindly inserting ourselves into the metaphorical glory hole of fate and hoping that the world isn't in a biting mood. Yesterday I did just that as I left my little bucolic backwater and bicycle cycled into The Big City. On the way there, I passed this "vintage" BMW with two tickets and a party flyer on it:

Even though I know he drives a Jaguar, my first thought was that the car belonged to that idiot John Cassidy from The New Yorker. Not only does he have a confirmed fondness for old cars and street parking, but he's also just the sort of person who'd get so hung over after some douchey dinner that he'd forget to move his car for two successive street cleanings. I guess we'll know for sure when he publishes a screed about the evils of alternate side parking and how it interferes with his drinking regimen.

I also saw a woman portaging two (2) actual human children in a "bake feets:"

I'm still a novice at this point when it comes to child-portaging, so I'm not sure if there's an equivalent of "Cat 6" racing among the sorts of smug people who engage in it. If so, I'm assuming it doesn't work like regular Cat 6 racing and that it's not as simple as just beating other child-portagers to the tops of climbs. Instead, I imagine there's got to be some sort of a handicapping system that would take into account variables such as:

--The age of the child;

--The number of children being portaged;

--The rider's "Smugness Quotient;"

--The child's embarrassment factor.

That last one seems especially important. A baby or toddler on a bicycle generally looks either happy or asleep, whereas some of these kids I see being portaged in "bake feets" lately are almost in puberty and wear looks of profound and intense embarrassment. You have to figure it's pretty rough to show up at school in mommy's "bake feets" when some of your friends are already arriving on their own "fixies." In any case, I imagine a child portager on a $3,000 "bake feets" carrying two children with a combined age of 26, both of whom are hiding behind their "Harry Potter" novels in shame, has won any child-portaging race before it's even begun.

Anyway, I wasn't portaging a child at the time, so needless to say I totally dominated the woman on the "bake feets." However, no sooner had I begun my descent than I was confronted with a mob of bike rental tourists:

I don't recall seeing this many rental bike tourists on the Manhattan Bridge in years past, but in any case now that the weather is fair they are present in alarming numbers. Inevitably at least one of these riders does something exceedingly stupid and almost crashes me, and this time it was the guy who turned to watch a passing subway train like he was on safari and it was some sort of exotic animal. As he admired the seductive beauty of the D train, he turned right into the guardrail and lost control of his bicycle, though to his credit he was able to correct himself before actually falling off it. Still, if he's so taken with subway trains and bridge views than maybe he should just ride the actual train. I'm sure it's a lot cheaper than renting one of those crappy bikes.

Thanking the Lob above for allowing me to ford the "Big Skanky" without striking a hapless bicycle tourist, I arrived in Manhattan, only to be passed by the rider in the red helmet, who implored me to attend the World Naked Bike Ride on June 11th:

This, to me, is the worst thing about the "bike culture"--their assumption that, just because I'm using a bicycle, I'd also be interested in doing something as ridiculous as riding it naked. If I were using a weed whacker, would some other amateur landscaper tell me I should try edging my lawn without my pants? If I had been buying an avocado in the supermarket, would that woman in front of me have tried to get me to jump naked into a giant bowl of guacamole? Unlikely. Then why tell me I should ride my bike naked? Plus, even if I were actually into riding my bike naked, is it even possible I wouldn't already know about the World Naked Bike Ride? Isn't that like telling someone who's wearing a football jersey, "Hey, you should really check out the Superbowl!" Most distressing, who's so excited about the World Naked Bike Ride that they're riding around telling complete strangers about it?

Well, that guy apparently.

Anyway, at the next light he did that thing fixed-gear riders do where they start weaving like half a block before they get to the intersection and take up two whole lanes of traffic in order to perform the simple act of slowing down. I then found myself contemplating whether it would be too un-PC to start calling such people "skid-tards." Maybe so, but watching these riders bring their bikes to a halt is like watching an old dog who circles a section of floor 47 times before finally lying down.

Then I passed by some sidewalk art:

Naked cycling tip: when taking a break, avoid sitting pantsless on unfinished wooden furniture. Also, be sure to use a pie plate so your, uh, "derailleur" doesn't get stuck in your spokes:

This photo comes via Chris from Electra Bikes who spotted these aftermarket pie plates in a bike shop in Germany, and I'm sure it will please naked cyclists everywhere to know that they're available in both small and large sizes.