BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz And Holiday Announcement!

According to Wicking Pedia, "Labor Day is an American federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September (September 3 in 2012) that celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers."

I'm not a worker, nor do I contribute economically, socially, or in any other way to America or indeed any country.  Nevertheless, I'm not going to let that stop me from celebrating Labor Day.  In fact, I'm going to start celebrating it immediately after this post, and I'm going to continue to do so until Tuesday, September 4th, 2012, at which point I will return with regular updates.

Sure, I could call it a much-needed end-of-summer recess, but instead I'll call it what it actually is, which is wheelsucking behind the American labor movement.

Meanwhile, it's a dark day for American cycling, and one which will forever be remembered as the opening day for the movie "Premium Rush" starring Jason Gordon-Levitt:

The New York Times has mostly good things to say about the movie, and also says that it "tries hard to look real:"

Like some fixie devotees, Wilee also rides without brakes, a choice that’s branded by other characters in the movie as reckless and maybe evidence of a death wish. But it also registers on screen — as when Wilee, like a groovier or at least thinner Fred Flintstone, skids to a stop using only his skill and sneakered feet — as the ultimate in authenticity. To a degree, the director, David Koepp, has tried to mirror the DIY ethos of fixed-gear devotees by using real rather than digital stunts and effects. There are digital cars and occasional passers-by scattered amid the remarkably clean streets of New York — as well as a lot of interstitial Google-map-style sections that zoom out for an aerial view and in for the street view — but most of the imagery is analogue. The movie tries hard to look real.

In that sense (trying hard to look real), I suppose it has captured the fixed-gear zeitgeist perfectly.

Oh, also, there's this whole Lance Armstrong thing:

I'm still a Lance Armstrong fan, and whatever happens he'll always be the two-time winner of the Dauphiné Libéré as far as I'm concerned.  (A feat, I might add, that only six other riders have managed to accomplish--not including all the other riders who won it three times.) Plus, there's no question he's given his heart, soul, and bodily fluids to the sport:

I made myself available around the clock and around the world. In-competition. Out of competition. Blood. Urine. Whatever they asked for I provided.

"Whatever they asked for" is right.  When the UCI wanted blood, he gave it.  When USA Cycling wanted urine, he gave it.  When Ashley Olsen wanted saliva, he gave that too.  Yes, whether it was an out-of-competition test or just an out-of-wedlock "booty call," Armstrong was always available at any time of the day or night for any drug tester or starlet in desperate need of his secretions.

Of course, in the cycling world you're not supposed to say you like Lance Armstrong.  It's almost as un-PC as making jokes about women's racing:

“I think (RadioShack) forgot that the women’s race is later in the week,” Sayers said, referring to the Blue Ribbon Alpine Challenge women’s criterium. “I don’t understand why they’re not going for stage wins. I don’t expect anybody to help my team, but I don’t understand why, when you have six riders in the front group, that you won’t even pull, and then you start attacking to get the stage win.”

RadioShack countered by assuring Sayers that they did remember that the women's race was later that week, and further explained that the reason they weren't pulling was that they were saving their legs for it.

Lastly, I recently received the following email from a reader who encountered a bike thief in the Flatiron district of Manhattan USA:

Here's a picture taken today around 1pm of a bike thief in action on 5th Ave between 22nd and 23rd St.  I saw him checking bike locks on the block walking around with his bright yellow bold cutters.  He settled on the on in the photo with a cheap cable type lock.  Immediately after this was taken my friends and I confronted the guy asking him what he was doing.  His words: "it's okay i talked to the police and they said it's no ones bike," then said "I already have my own bike, its parked around the corner, wanna see?", then "those shears, they are my bosses, i'm just carrying them for him."  There was a lot of shouting and a crowd gathering and 10 seconds later the guy took off down the street.  Worst part, as he was leaving the scene an undercover police approaches us saying they had been watching him the whole time and were just waiting for him to cut the lock before making the arrest!

Here he is, complete with the city-mandated yellow flag identifying him as an officially licensed bike thief:

Notice the bolt cutters are still in his bag and he's instead chosen to melt the cable lock with his mind.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a bicycle opera.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe on Labouring Day, and I'll see you on September 4th.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("Biodynamic, no pesticides.  Can't spray.  Don't want to.")

1) The producers of "Premium Rush" have already announced a sequel called "Artisanal Squash" in which Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character moves to Portland and starts a Community Supported Agriculture bicycle home delivery service.

--True

--False

(Just another day at Cipollini Sex Camp.)

2) The Italian Society for Hair Restoration has stripped Mario Cipollini of his seventeen consecutive "World's Greatest Lover" titles due to his alleged use of sensual oils containing a banned meerkat pheromone.

--True

--False

(Cyclists love those Robs Fords.)

3) After a Toronto cyclist was killed in a crash involving a disused streetcar track, a city councillor proposed:

--Removing the track

--Installing warning signs

--Passing a mandatory helmet law

--Banning bicycles from that street

(He's like an air freshener of stupid.)

4) When not calling for a tax on cycling, John Kass is sodomizing chickens with beer cans.

--True

--False

5) This man is:

--Installing a seatpost rack

--Loading a slingshot

--Tensioning a pair of barbecue tongs

--Demonstrating a deadly weapon called the "Head Wedge"

6) What are these?

--Ultra-lightweight pant cuff retainers
--Elastomer retrofits for Brooks saddles
--Internal tire sidewall stiffeners to enhance cornering
--Oral bug guards

(Researchers believe the condition known as "micro lip" may be transmitted by poop sex.)

7) What is "Micro Lip?"

--MicroSHIFT's proprietary name for its diminutive downshifting button
--The new title sponsor for the RadioShack cycling team in 2013
--Todd Akin's term for the labia minora
--David Byrne's latest artisanal bike rack

***Special Tattoo-Themed Bonus Question***

Gentlemen with dandelions for heads prefer pennyfarthings.

--True
--False

Paying Your Way: Physics Isn't Fair

Yesterday, while riding home, I inserted my Scattante into David Byrne's lip:

(At least I'm pretty sure that says "lip.")

As I mentioned yesterday, Byrne has designed some new bike racks for the Brooklyn Academy of Music, and as it happens later that day I found myself in the vicinity of that august institution.  Immediately I remembered the rack, and so I resolved to stick my bike into it.  At first I was skeptical, but as it turns out there are few acts as thrilling as becoming one with a piece of living art created by a true genius of our time.  Of course, I'm not referring to parking my bike in David Byrne's rack; rather, I'm referring to reading Heather Hooters's column in the copy of "Juggs" magazine I found in a nearby wastebasket.  It was only after finishing it (spoiler alert: it was about big breasts) that I got around to parking my bike in the rack.  I certainly can't say it was as exciting as a found copy of "Juggs," but I'm sure the Brooklyn gentry will savor the experience of hitchin' up to Mr. Byrne's latest brainfart when they come down to see "Red Hook Summer" so that their next visit to Fairway will seem more culturally significant.

(By the way, the copy of "Juggs" was deposited into that wastebasket by a man driving a brand-new Hyundai Sonata with the sticker still in the window.  I wouldn't swear it was David Byrne, but it sure looked like him, and the music coming from the car sounded a lot like Brian Eno.)

Meanwhile, as Byrne works tirelessly to gussy up the cycling structure of New York City by means of his prodigious mental flatulence, the next mayoral administration (whoever it turns out to be) will most likely do their best to tear it down--or at least put it in a state of suspended animation:

I was disappointed to see Streetsblog refer to the Robs Fords in the singular, but otherwise I found this to be an edifying yet somewhat depressing read.  On the other hand, this "modest proposal" from some idiot in Chicago, which was forwarded to me by a reader, is just stupid:

(Putz.)

Also, I liked him much better in "Midnight Run:"

 

Sure, it's easy to laugh at idiots like this, but it's only a matter of time before someone succeeds in passing a law requiring cyclists to purchase a gallon of gasoline for every 20 miles traveled.  (The fact that cyclists don't have to pay for gasoline seems to be at the heart of all this resentment.)  But of all the idiotic things said by Dennis Farina's slow-witted cousin in the above video, this was probably the idioticest:

"Wouldn't you say that they're kinda like the one percenters of the commuter class?"

Apparently to work for the Chicago Tribune you don't even have to say things that make any form of sense, even as satire.  Instead, it's sufficient to simply equate something you don't like with something other people don't like, even if the two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other.  It's like saying, "Wouldn't you say that kayakers are kinda like the Nazis of the sea?"  Anyway, you know who are the one percenters of the commuter class?  The one percenters.  Like this guy:


I swear to Lob, if another one of these entitled Wall Street assholes rolls up to me in the bike lane and asks me if I have any fancy mustard I'm going to put my U-lock right in his boeuf bourguignon.

It should be apparent to anybody with even the most meager cognitive ability that cycling is cheaper than driving not because of the laws of man but because of the laws of physics.  Anyway, cyclists do their best to make it expensive anyway, which is why they buy stuff like Butnitz bikes.  Incidentally, I recently visited the Budnitz Twitter where I read this:

You know, those guys in the "matching bike outfits" aren't embarrassed, they're tired.  That's because they probably just got finished riding like nine hundred miles through the Rockies and are rolling home, whereas you're riding your designer city bike to brunch.  They're not racing you.  Thinking you're faster than people who are at rest is the primary symptom of the condition known as "New Cyclist's Exuberance."  If left untreated, it can go on to cause other undesirable forms of behavior, like starting designer bike companies or inventing gratuitous accessories:





Every great inventor has his "Eureka!" moment, and the inventor of the Wingz seatpost rack had his during an ill-fated trip to the grocery store:

"One night I had to make a late-night run to the grocery store, and that's when I bought a 24-pack of water bottles, some cereal, and milk.  And on the way home, every time we'd make a turn all the cargo would just fall off.  So I ended up having to walk the bike home."


Sadly, between admitting that he purchases bottled water and revealing that he rides a Magna, he's just lost every single potential investor in Portland:

(To Portlanders, this is the equivalent of riding around in a Klan outfit.)

Nevertheless, this was his inspiration to invent the perfect seatpost rack:

"So that's when I decided to design my own seatpost rack.  One that could adequately balance larger cargo without causing them to become off-balance and fall off."

Arguably, inventing the perfect seatpost rack is sort of like inventing the perfect suction cup car dashboard pad.  Still, you have to admire him for boldly ignoring the fact that there's already an invention that can "adequately balance larger cargo without causing them to become off-balance and fall off," and it's called "The Box:"

(Modified box with cutouts for additional weight-savings.)

Instead, he went with barbecue-tongs-and-a-bungee:

Though I suppose in a pinch he could use it to take a hot dog off the grill.

Speaking of milk crates, the crate image above comes from a site called "Milkcrate Digest"--which, amazingly, exists:

Since learning about it, I've been elbow-deep in milk crate porn (milk crates are typically only elbow-deep)--and I even found some milk crate pet-portaging porn:

Awww, that dog's wearing a hlellment! ("Hlellment" is Welsh for "helment.")

Hopefully they'll charge him double for the passenger if he rides though Chicago.

Wednesday is the Loneliest Number

So apparently they have this Vuelta thing going on in Spain.  It's basically like a big bike race and some of the people from the Tour de France are in it, but not the funny-looking guy who won it.  (He's too busy smoking and scootering.)  I was curious to see what's been going on at this Vuelta thing, so I went to a website that has stuff about bike racing and found out that Alethandro Valverde is whining because Sky didn't wait for him after he crashed:

“They didn’t have the balls to stop, they chose an unsporting way,” Valverde said at the finish. “Sky formed an echelon and they’re perfectly within their rights to do that. I’m not cross that I lost the lead because of this, but because there was no respect.”

It's enough with the waiting in bike racing already.  The most basic part of bike racing is not falling off the bike.  If you fall off a horse during the Kentucky Derby do the horses stand around grazing until you get back on again?  If you misspell something in a spelling bee, do they wait around while you go find a dictionary?  Do you get a "do-over" if you get a splinter in your inner thigh during the caber toss?  (Actually, I have no idea, maybe you do.)  Anyway, everybody waited around for Valverde for two whole years when he got suspended for cheating, so expecting them to wait again when he falls of his bicycle is a bit much.

Meanwhile, here in New York, it turns out that more people like bike lanes than don't like them:

("Ohmygodshe'snotwearingahlelmentshe'sgoingtodie!!!")

Though that doesn't mean people don't have irritating things to say about them, like this:

Gloria Tingue, 41, an occupational therapist in Brooklyn, said she believed that many bicyclists ignored the city’s traffic rules. “Everyone should be going in the same direction, and if we’re stopping, they should also be stopping and not weaving and bobbing in traffic, because it is a hazard for everyone else,” she said.

I couldn't agree more.  Cyclists should really behave much more responsibly, like drivers do:

Looks like somebody made an "oopsie."  And here's another one:

Oopsie!  Looks like he forgot to stop.

But for the real idiocy, you have to read the reader comments on the article.  Consider this one:

Donald Dal Maso NYC
Yes of course, more bike lanes! But please, lots and lots of public service announcements to educate the rest of us, who don't bike-ride, about how to respect the lanes.

I admit my ignorance and I would like to avoid being screamed at by bike-riders for my lack of alertness and awareness. And of course I don't want to get hit or cause an accident. Something on the order of the seat-belt campaign from years ago is really needed.

Here's a public service announcement:

I'm all for respecting even the most clueless pedestrians, but do we really need public service announcements for concepts this basic?  I'm sickened by all the motor vehicle carnage in the city but even I wouldn't expect the city to issue a public service announcement telling people not to stand around in the middle of the street.  Once we start having public service announcements about not standing around in the bike lane it's only a matter of time before we're inundated by other PSAs like "Don't play in fire!," "Don't eat dead rats!," or "Don't tie yourself to a filing cabinet and jump into the Hudson!"

Anyway, I have a sinking feeling that whoever becomes the next mayor is going to roll up all our spiffy new green bike lanes like one of those "marijuana cigarettes" they talk about in the PSAs and make a big show of smoking them into oblivion.  Then everyone will have to take "Premium Rush" lessons, as in this embarrassing video that was sent to me by some PR firm:



I found certain aspects of this video troubling.  For example, consider this warning:

Isn't pretty much everyone who rides a fixed-gear bike on the street technically an amateur?

Also, I don't think that doing a 180-whatever is a good way to flee an attacker, as the video suggests:

When fleeing an assailant on your fixed-gear bicycle the most effective technique is to simply hurl the bike at him and run.  If you do it properly the assailant will become hopelessly entangled in the bike frame and then lose his fingers in the fixed-gear drivetrain like in those awful photos on Sheldon Brown's site, and your subway train will have almost certainly arrived by the time he manages to escape by gnawing off his own limbs.

(Now that's street smarts.  The city should make a PSA.)

The next lesson in the video is the bunnyhop, which Justin Gordon-Levitt apparently uses to escape a New York City bike cop:

This is highly unrealistic, since if you've ever seen a New York City bike cop you know that all you have to do to escape one is be able to ride a bike in a forward direction without falling down.

It's also at this point that the "superfan" getting the fixie lessons reveals himself to be a total ringer:

(Yeah, like he just learned that.)

By the way, did you know that you too can own a "Premium Rush" bike?

Well you can--and it even comes with a "sticker pack:"

And of course, Affinity will be making a limited edition Metropolitan frameset in pure white, supplied with a sticker pack, so you can customize your ride to mimic the bike in the movie.

Stickers?  Movies?  Mimicry?  This should be a huge success.  I was particularly alarmed by this:

On August 24th, fixie culture, bike messengers, and Hollywood collide with the release of the new movie Premium Rush...  And with any luck, it will inspire people to air up the tires and ride their bikes.

I really, really do not want to share the streets with anybody who is inspired to ride a bicycle by "Premium Rush."  It's been bad enough these past few years sharing the streets with all the idiots who were inspired to ride bicycles by all those insipid "MASHSF" videos.  Fortunately, the typical Nü-Fred generally lasts only two to five years in New York City before downgrading to an easier and more manageable city, at which point they just become San Francisco's or Portland's or Austin's problem.  Or, if they do stay, they eventually become regular Freds and spend all their time on Route 9W playing with Strava.

Anyway, the whole fixie thing was like totally over by the time "Premium Rush" went into pre-production, and anybody with any sense has long moved on to mini bikes:



The biggest problem with riding a mini bike is finding a u-lock for it, though I've had good luck just using a safety pin.

And on the more genteel (and by "genteel" I mean "smug") end of the New York City cycling spectrum, David Byrne has once again honored us with some whimsical bike racks:

Apparently, the idea is to arrange the letters so that they spell out the names of productions, sort of like a marquee:

"I realized that a few very basic shapes — a semi circle, a line, and a V shape — would allow one to make a good percentage of the letters of our alphabet. With help and advice from Dero Bike Racks, we figured out how these components could be easily and quickly swapped out to spell different words. For example, the letters could spell out the productions at BAM or any random message for that matter."

This should be especially entertaining when Stanley Wiggins performs at BAM:

Speaking of alphabet bike racks, the only cycling pick-up line more seductive than "Wanna lock your bike to my cunt?" is "Wanna do hill repeats?"

Hill Repeats - Pershing Hill - m4w - 45 (West New York)
Date: 2012-08-21, 8:14PM EDT

You were wearing a pink jersey and torn shorts. I was riding a bright green bike with an Australia jersey.
I don't want to hit on you, you looked like a decent climber and I want to invite you to join my group for longer rides...
:-)

Wait...  Green bike?  Australia jersey?  Holy crap, it's MC SpandX!

The fact that this video is now three years old underscores just how late "Premium Rush" actually is.  They should give him a show at BAM.

Confusion and Delay: Whither Bike Share?

I wish I was a minimalist.

If I was a minimalist, it would only take me five minutes to pack up my five belongings and leave Brooklyn forever, which is what I wanted to do immediately after I finished watching this:


I realize it's supposed to be all cutesy and tongue-in-cheek, but unfortunately this is what people in Brooklyn are actually like now.  (Which is to say cloyingly cutesy and tongue-in-cheek.  Or, if you prefer, they're like Portlanders with money.)  Also, the above scenario is highly implausible, because it's virtually impossible for even the most clueless transplant to get lost on a bicycle in Brooklyn now.  As long as you enter the borough by bridge, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes, since the Department of Transportation has taken great pains to make sure to route them through only he most gentrified neighborhoods.  (Bike lane-ing is the new redlining.)  As long as you're going to visit someone like the guy above, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes and eventually you're going to wind up on his street.  Really, you'd have an easier time getting lost on a carousel.

Meanwhile, if you're looking to take up the sport of Carbon Road Bike Bicycle Cycling, reader Omri the Magnificent (as I've just decided to call him) has forwarded me the definitive guide:

First, you'll need a crabon famre:

Then, you'll need some crabon handling bars to steer it with:

Don't forget the saddle:

By the way, you could save yourself about $560 here by cutting the chamois out of your shorts and gluing a pair of plastic rails to it.

Oh, you'll also need a dork-tastic space helment complete with face shield:

As well as a lock, because of course you're an idiot and you're going to leave this five-figure lump of plastic outside:

When you're all finished, you'll have a $20,000 bike:

By the looks of things, the Stanley Wiggins-inspired British Fred Boom is going to be even dorkier than the American Lance Armstrong-inspired Fred Boom--and at least twice as expensive.  I also imagine there will be a lot of disappointed Brit-Freds in space helmets riding home on Boris Bikes after their $20,000 lumps of crabon get stolen when they lock them up outside.

Fortunately, the face shields will hide their tears.

Speaking of Boris Bikes, you may have heard that our own Bloomie Bikes are being delayed until next year:

As for the reason for the holdup, good luck deciphering all the technical jargon:

“The software doesn’t work,” the mayor said. “Duh.”

I'm glad to see that "Duh" finally qualifies as an official excuse when it comes to municipal matters.  Maybe next year I can just scrawl the word "Duh" on my tax return and enclose forty-seven cents.

In the meantime, if you're visiting New York City and you'd like to have access to a bicycle while you're in town, you can always use something called Splinster:

Let's say you want to experience the thrill of riding around the city on a genuine fixed-gear fixiebike.  Well, just enter the appropriate search parameters and you'll be annoying pedestrians in no time:

You get a bike, the owner gets his weed money, and it would appear that everybody wins.  Then, you get to leave reviews like this:

And like this:

There's even a theft guarantee:

The Spinlister Guarantee

We want you to be comfortable listing your bike on Spinlister. That's why we're guaranteeing your bike's safety on our system. If your bike is damaged or stolen during a rental period and the renter is unable to reimburse you for the fair value of your bike, we'll cover the cost up to $5000. And we'll buy you a cake.

That's why I'm putting my "Beloved" on Splinster:


I bought my "Beloved" for $4,895, conveniently just below Splinster's $5,000 reimbursement ceiling.  Here's the receipt:

The way it's going to work is, you're going to rent my "Beloved."  Then it's going to get "stolen," and you're going to be "unable" to reimburse me.  So, Splinster is going to give me $4,895.

And, for your troubles, I'll give you the cake.

If you're wondering why there isn't more in it for you, it's because I have overhead.  For example, I'm going to need at least a few hundred from that $4,895 in order to buy more "Beloveds" from Performance.  I figure that once I've got five or ten "Beloveds" in circulation I'll be able to retire before New York City finally gets the bike share program up and running.  Then I can finally buy that hoverbike I've always wanted:

The best thing about a hoverbike is it's much harder to get "doored:"


got doored by a runaway taxi - 24 (Upper East Side)
Date: 2012-08-21, 2:37AM EDT

I was riding my bike on 84th on thursday. I was turning onto 3rd ave when a guy opened his door and i ran into it. 

I was shirtless, if you saw this and had the good sense to check the taxi plate. could you let me know?

I got right up, i thought i was fine, but it was just adrenaline. I fucked my shit up. The Taxi drove off. I would like to sue his ass. not in a bad way. But ive payed 150 in co-pays alone. my iPod broke on the door and my bike needs work. 


Plus i had to skip some gigs i was supposed to play since my shoulder is in a sling. actually i might as well put a plug in for the gig ill play this thursday. this is more about the taxi though. 

Left Field Bar. Lower east side. 5 dollar cover. Thursday night, doors at 7. say you're there for Swerve. 


If you saw the Cab. and the long haired shirtless guy getting doored by it....please email me 

That's how you turn a misfortune into an opportunity.

Proper Attire: Safety First

Good mornafterning!  (That is the 21st century time zone-independent salutation we all agreed upon at the International Blogging Summit this past weekend in Piscataway, NJ.)

This is Fred racing:

("On your mark, get set, Fred!")

And this is Frederick racing:

("On your markings, prepare thyselves, Frederick!")

Did you know that people still participate in Frederick racing today?  Well, it's true.  However, if you're a failed Fred who's flirting the notion of sandbagging in the high-wheeler class, you should keep two things in mind.  Firstly, there's no crabon in Frederick racing; and secondly, it's dangerous.  In fact, it's so dangerous that a reader informs me a woman was injured in Baltimore when she fell from her pennyfarthing during a Frederick race:

The good news is that, yes, she was wearing her helment.  The bad news is that she missed her helment but still hit her head

Police say 54-year-old Alison Torpey of Louisville hit her head just below her helmet in a fall from her "penny farthing" bicycle.

This injury defies the laws of cycling physics, which state that a bicycle helmet is a force field that will protect you from any form of injury--though I will concede that it's possible she wasn't wearing a helment specifically designed for pennyfarthing use:

This sort of helment is ideal for any sort of rigorous physical activity, whether it's riding a pre-safety bicycle or subjugating a continent.

In any case, I'm raising a period-correct recovery beverage in her honor and drinking to her speedy recovery:

All sporting Fredericks know that Bile is the source of Speed, and that a Robust Liver is the Wellspring of Victory.

Also, it could have been a lot worse.  For example, she could have collided with this custom "trail cutting bike," as forwarded by another reader:


Custom trail cutting bike (Auburn)
Date: 2012-07-25, 6:09AM EDT

I have for sale a custom trail cutter/ daily commuter. It is based on a folding bike frame so you can take it inside or get through a tough hole in a trail. The custom front chainsaw trail cutting tool is great for off road. it also has a dual use for commuting because it powers the front wheel making hills a breeze. It also comes with a sturdy rear rack to haul heavy loads on. 

The bearings have recently been serviced and the tires are good. it has a new chain on the bike but the saw chain should be replaced soon. 

I wish I could keep it but the wife says she is tired of the neighborhood kids wanting to ride it. No lowball offers i know what this thing is worth. 

I'm fairly certain that bike was stolen from Ketchikan, Alaska's bike share program.

Of course, if you're in the market for something a bit more modern to replace your pennyfarthing or chainsaw bike, you should look into the offerings of a company called "Stradalli:"

I'm assuming Stradalli is Italian for "straddle," and they also make components:

(Model displays plush forearm padding, as well as a pair of handlebars.)

Though keep in mind a typical Stradalli rider is less likely to be dressed like this:

And more likely to be dressed like this:

Nevertheless, it's a lot safer to fall off a Stradalli than a pennyfarthing--especially if you have ample bosoms to cushion the blow:

("Oops, I fell off my Stradalli again because it had no pedals and I was wearing heels.  Now sleep with me.")

By the way, the URL for the official Stradalli website is "carbonroadbikebicyclecycling.com."  This is very bad news for Bicycling, because they were actually planning to re-launch the magazine as "Carbon Road Bike Bicycle Cycling" in 2013.

Also, you may suspect that the Stradalli models aren't actual cyclists, but that's not true.  In fact, after the shoot they all went out for a group ride, and you can even see it on Strava, as forwarded by yet another reader:

I hope this person never, ever grows up.

Speaking of women in bikinis, still yet another reader informs me they're now stealing bikes in Brooklyn:


REWARD FOR BIKE STOLEN BY WOMEN IN BIKINIS!!!: Gray Women's Trek (Khim's Grocery, Myrtle Ave, Clinton Hill)
Date: 2012-08-15, 1:26AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

At 5:49 on Saturday, June 30, a group of women in yellow bikinis, black swimsuits, and white coverups were shooting a skateboarding video with a group of guys in front of the MetroPCS/Post Office on Myrtle Ave, between Grand Ave and Steuben St, near the Pratt Institute campus.

As they were walking past the Khim's Grocery Store on Myrtle Ave, an overweight African-American woman in her early 20s wearing a white cover-up dress stole a bike.

The video footage and photos of the entire group, including the face and body shots of the thief, have been turned over the police, who have begun their investigation.

If you know the women in these photos, please be in contact through this email or call 911. You may remain anonymous. If the bicycle can be "found" and safely returned to its owner, charges will not be pressed against the young woman who stole the bike. 

BICYCLE IDENTIFICATION: The bike is a gray women's TREK 7000 model, with a white wire cup holder on the leg bar, and a black Kryptonite lock on the handlebar. A close-up photo of the bike is attached (note that neither the yellow extension bar nor the dog were on the bike at the time of the incident). 

Here's the bike that was stolen, complete with lock on handlebars, zany canine-portaging apparatus, and nonplussed dog:

Here it is on the sidewalk, with the lock still cunningly sitting on the handlebars:

And here's one of the Bikini Bandits simply helping herself to a bike:

It's enough to make you lose faith in humanity--assuming of course you're laughably naive.  Plus, while the thief certainly shouldn't have taken the bicycle, maybe she has dreams of becoming a model for Copenhagen Cycle Chic.  Sometimes you've got to seize those opportunities, even if you have to stomp on a few faces on the way to the top.  That's why I'm starting a new blog called North Korea Cycle Chic:

Yes, even still yet another reader tells me that women in North Korea are finally allowed to ride bikes again, so I figure now's the time to put on my Pith Helment of Opportunism and pounce:

By the way, if you're wondering why women weren't allowed to ride bikes in North Korea, it's because it "wasn't regarded as feminine:"

Perhaps another sign that North Korean society is changing, Chinese media is reporting that women are being allowed to ride bicycles for the first time for almost 20 years.

Cycling for women was banned in 1996 because it wasn't regarded as feminine by the male dominated North Korean regime.

Well, North Korea Cycle Chic is going to change that perception once and for all:

They'll be modeling Stradallis in no time.